Is Your Child a Cactus, a Sourdough Starter, or a Dildo?

“Is Your Child an Orchid, a Tulip or a Dandelion?”
—The New York Times, 8/6/20

1. In what environment does your child best thrive?

1. The Atacama Desert, but would also look cute perched on your cubicle at work.
2. 75-80° F, then room temperature for a few days, then in the fridge. No Carol, I didn’t take its temperature to confirm 75-80°, I just have a feel for these things. And by the way, I don’t appreciate how you’re always second-guessing me.
3. Lubricated (ideally oil-based) and accommodating.

2. How does your child prefer to receive affection?

1. Too prickly for hugs and kisses; best appreciated via admiring looks.
2. Thrives on feedings, and eventually being a part of family meals.
3. Used to being tossed aside when it’s time for cuddling afterwards.

3. What does your child do for fun?

1. Mescaline.
2. Sits quietly while its parents read The New York Times Cooking section and talk about their child constantly to anyone who will listen.
3. Derives enjoyment from pleasing others.

4. How sensitive is your child to their surroundings?

1. Somewhat sensitive; quietly absorbs things while seeming unperturbed.
2. Apparently very sensitive?! How was I supposed to know to take its fucking temperature, Carol? It’s FLOUR plus WATER. Christ, do you want me to take its blood pressure too? Wow, I can’t believe you’d equate this with what happened last Thanksgiving, especially because you gave me no advanced warning that your parents don’t compost. That’s really fucking petty—even for you, Carol.
3. Once embedded, its surroundings are pretty much guaranteed to be more sensitive than it is.

5. How many playmates does your child prefer?

1. None; it is content alone in the elements.
2. A colony of billions.
3. Happy to just be with you but can also work its way in to a pair or a group.

6. What hygiene regimen works best for your child?

1. A very occasional thorough drenching.
2. Allowing it to develop its own special stink; no two are alike!
3. Regular cleaning with warm soapy water, unless you want a UTI.

7. What is your child’s learning style?

1. Takes in a lot and tends to retain it for a long period of time.
2. Bubbly and expansive, if it’s properly stimulated. No Carol, the King Arthur website says to throw away half of it even if you don’t see bubbles after 24 hours. What do you mean it’s DEAD? I’m heartbroken Carol, actually heartbroken, that you think me capable of that.
3. Needs to be guided slowly at first, then you can set the pace. Comfortable with superficial probing or deeper inquiry.

8. What is your child’s favorite song?

1. “Like the Deserts Miss the Rain”
2. “Patty Cake”
3. “Big Poppa” / “The Moonlight Sonata” (depending on mood)

9. What has been your child’s growth trajectory?

1. It has grown very slowly, especially if it was born teeny tiny.
2. Rapid growth for the first week of its life, then grew more gradually. Throw the whole thing out because it will never grow?! After all this work? I think that’s a bit extreme, Carol. You wouldn’t throw our marriage out after one botched Thanksgiving with your relatives, would you? Oh, you’ve been thinking of doing exactly that? I can’t believe you never brought this up in couples therapy??!! Frankly I’m beginning to question whether I feel safe in this marriage. Go away, Carol. I need space to reflect on whether you’re still capable of personal growth.
3. It has never grown, but likes to extend its reach by being strapped in to a harness.

10. How would your child react to having divorced parents?

1. It would stay neutral by having minimal contact with either adult.
2. It could be shared equally in a custody settlement. Carol, if it’s dead, I don’t understand why you want me to give some to you. Listen to yourself. You’re clearly conflicted about this whole thing. I think you’re making a big mistake here. It’s not going to do any better if you’re raising it instead of me. It needs two parents to thrive! Fine, leave, see if I care, but you’re taking half of it over my dead body! I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT, CAROL!
3. It is prone to becoming parentified, serving as a more satisfying replacement for marital intimacy.

Mostly A’s: Cactus
Mostly B’s: Sourdough starter (RIP)
Mostly C’s: Dildo