By contributing writer Ryan Casey
I've recently come to the realization that I'm not the best looking guy around. Few of you are probably surprised if you A) know me, or B) finish this paragraph. Honestly, though, I'm a little surprised I haven't gotten laid more often. I always considered myself at least reasonably pleasant-looking…maybe big-nosed and a little chubby, but tall with a face at least three full steps above hideous. I've been told I have those rough Irish good looks, which makes sense since most Irish guys are soccer hooligans who look like they've had their faces smashed into a few brick walls. And my friends never hesitate to compare me to the celebrity they think I most resemble: Shrek.
So I decided to take a survey. I asked friends, family members, and strangers on the street to give me their honest opinion on something that is of very serious concern to me. Am I hot? Would you bang me? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Here, in their unabridged, highly embellished form, are the answers.
Subject 1, Mommy: “Of course you're hot, dear. And you better tell me if any of those little hussies say that you aren't. I'll kick all their asses. They aren't good enough for my little boy anyways. Just remember to be true to yourself.”
Subject 2, Random Ex-Girlfriend: “I never really thought you were hot. I was just dating you because I had nothing better to do for those four months. And I was happy when you dumped me on my birthday, through the birthday card, and then spent the rest of the party flirting with my slutty cousin from Cleveland. Those were tears of joy, really. And I'm not stalking you now, I'm just letting you see how much better off I am without you by showing up everywhere you go.”
Subject 3, Grandpa: “In my day you didn't have to be good looking to get a woman. After the war, there was three women for every man, and I had me a piece of all of them. Then the feminists came and turned half the women into men, gave the other half the vote, and threatened me with a sexual harassment lawsuit every time I offered my secretary a promotion to sleep with me.”
Subject 4, Cute Jogger at the Park: “Here, take all the money I have, just don't kill me!” (Next time, I'll do this during the day. And sober…fully clothed.)
Subject 5, Random Slutty But Hot Girl from School: “I guess you're kind of cute in a chubby Christopher Walken kind of way. I'd bang you, but you might want to wait for my herpes to clear up.”
Subject 6, Dad: “Isn't this whole thing a little gay, Ryan?”
Subject 7, Congressman Ralph Regula: “Thank you for bringing this very important matter to our attention. I can assure you that the full weight of my office will be brought to bear on this serious issue.”
Subject 8, Carmen Electra (via her lawyer and the Honorable 8th District Court): “While Ms. Electra does appreciate the support and devotion of her fans, we regret to inform you that she and Mr. Navarro are quite happy together, and would be most appreciative if you would please refrain from coming any closer than the court ordered 500 yards.”
Subject 9, My Priest: “God created all people equally, so even if others do not see your beauty, He does. But I ain't Catholic, son.”
Subject 10, Myself: “I would bang me like a wooden door. I'm so friggin' hot, the sun needs oven mitts to touch me. Me so sexy, I could turn Ellen Degeneres straight. In my totally unbiased opinion, of course.”
There you have it, kids. Image is, in fact, nothing at all. Just ask your mom.