By staff writer Brent Stone
June 24, 2007
Well, it’s summertime (unlike most of the rest of the country, I’m on the quarter system so this is a new development for me). Since there’s only 5,323,982 comedy articles scattered across the internet about summer jobs, I feel as though I would be remiss not to contribute my thoughts on the topic. Just to keep things fresh and different, though, I’m going to throw in a couple things you probably won’t be doing this summer. First, the jobs:
Internship: I’ve done this and you probably have too—working in an office for little or no money, doing what you’re told by anyone with more authority than you (everyone).
Fast Food Worker: I’ve never actually had any job that’s remotely like this, so I’m pretty much just going to make guesses and assumptions about what it’s like.
Online Poker Player: I used to play online poker semiprofessionally, and though I quit at the beginning of this school year, I’ve taken it up again for the summer. To my family that last sentence read: “I used to be a gambling addict, then somehow managed to pull myself from that pit of despair, only to fall back off the wagon into what will inevitably lead to pain and suffering for all those I love.”
“There’s nothing more satisfying than raking in a big pot with your weenie hanging out.”
PIC Writer: You’ve gotten a few glimpses of what the glamorous life of an internet comedy writer is like from others on this site, but what you learn here about this job will blow your mind! Or not. Probably not.
A Veal Cow: Like working in fast food, I’ve never had this job, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got the gist of it.
Now, we’ll be comparing these jobs across a series of categories, and by the end I hope you’ll have found your true calling for the next three months (well, two for you—I’ve still got the whole summer left to enjoy).
Paycheck
Internship: Little or nothing, depending on how generous your boss is. The good news is that if you steal enough office supplies and sell them on eBay, you might be able to cover the cost of gas!
Fast Food Worker: Minimum wage. Nothing more, nothing less (unless you’re an illegal immigrant, in which case less).
Online Poker Player: This depends entirely on you. If you’re good enough, there’s the potential to make literally millions here. That being said, the difference between this job and most others is that if you suck, you don’t get fired; you just end up living under a bridge because you gambled away your rent money, you degenerate.
PIC Writer: So far, the money hasn’t exactly been rolling in, but I’m assuming this is like one of those corporate gigs where they pay you a token salary and then give a several million dollar Christmas bonus. That’s how it works, right guys? Guys? Okay, fine, you want it to be a surprise; I understand.
A Veal Cow: No money, but if you’re lucky you’ll be fed grain instead of just liquids before you’re slaughtered after 18 weeks of life.
Co-Workers
Internship: You don’t really have co-workers—instead, everyone else is your boss. If there are other interns, they’re probably snot-nosed punks who just got the job because Daddy went to college with the president… just like you.
Fast Food Worker: I’m in California, so I think it’s pretty safe to say they’ll be Mexicans who mock you in a tongue you can’t understand.
Online Poker Player: No co-workers here, just competitors. A special bonus is that unlike in other jobs, you can scream at them for being morons… until PokerStars takes away your chat privileges. Honestly, you tell one guy he should take his own life and kill his children to spare them the misery of going through life with his genetic code and they get all uppity about it. Bastards.
PIC Writer: I guess the standard thing here would be to make a joke about Nate’s alcoholism or Gaudio’s poetry, but wouldn’t that be too easy? Frankly, if I were at any other job, I definitely wouldn’t want to work with this collection of lazy drunks, but I could hardly pick a better bunch of comedy writers. Except for famous ones. I’d trade the entire PIC staff for a 15 minute lunch with Demetri Martin.
A Veal Cow: There are only other veal cows who suffer from underdeveloped muscles and possibly malnutrition. Don’t try to make friends with the ones older than you, as they’ll soon be shipped off to premature death.
Dress Code
Internship: Pretty standard—nice pants and a collared shirt (which you’ll probably borrow from your dad, because the only other thing you have is your tux from prom).
Fast Food Worker: Probably something bright colored and foolish looking. If you’re lucky, they won’t make you wear a ridiculous hat.
Online Poker Player: There’s no dress code and nothing more satisfying than raking in a big pot with your weenie hanging out.
PIC Writer: See online poker player, but replace “raking in a big pot” with “writing this article.” Seriously. I’m not wearing pants. Or anything else.
A Veal Cow: Only the manacles that keep you from moving so your muscles will remain underdeveloped and tender.
Boss
Internship: Everyone.
Fast Food Worker: He put in 10 years worth of dues at this Taco Bell before getting promoted to manager, and there’s nothing he hates more than punk-ass college kids like you. Get used to scrubbing the deep fryer.
Online Poker Player: Well, if you lose too much, the counselor at your GA meetings will be kind of like a boss.
PIC Writer: When I was discussing this column with Court over AIM, he told me that I needed to come up with a title. I told him I’d have to go take some bong rips and get back to him. That event really stuck out in my head, because really, who talks to their boss on AIM?
A Veal Cow: No one will tell you what to do, but that’s just because the tiny crate you live in makes doing anything impossible anyway.
Retirement Package
Internship: None.
Fast Food Worker: None.
Online Poker Player: None.
PIC Writer: None.
A Veal Cow: 🙁