This past year has been difficult for all of us, and we’re pining for a relaxing getaway overseas. 2020 is over, time to celebrate! But wait: The pandemic is still raging, thanks to the federal government’s gross negligence. Read on for our list of exciting and restorative foreign destinations that will no longer accept your U.S. passport! We’ll provide a sad alternative you can do at home.
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Sitting along the Atlantic coast, this cosmopolitan city offers colorful architecture, beautiful landscapes, and all the samba music you are craving!
Oh no: Brazil doesn’t want you anywhere near Ipanema Beach at this time, since your U.S. passport basically has cooties. Instead, enjoy the lush Brazilian vibes by doing an architectural coloring book after playing “samba” music on your pots and pans.
Phuket, Thailand
This tropical island has everything you want to unwind: gorgeous beaches and a stellar party scene. What are you waiting for, buy those tickets ASAP!
Uh-oh, you can’t because U.S. leadership is a disaster and Thailand wants your germy vibes to stay far, far away. Instead, download a Rainforest Sounds track to play while you build a couch hut in your studio and stare at your useless U.S. passport.
Buenos Aires, Argentina
This elegant and vibrant city offers delicious cuisine, beautiful art and culture, and endless tango evenings.
Too bad you aren’t welcome there! Argentina’s government, unlike the U.S., actually listens to scientists, so it closed its borders. Instead, stick a fake rose in your mouth and try to get your cat Huey to dance the tango with you, before giving up and ordering a Big Mac online. Olé!
Montreal, Canada
Ok, maybe going overseas is a no-go. Montreal is a nearby diverse metropolis with the flair of Paris! Wander through the Jardin Botanique or stroll along the St. Lawrence River for a well-deserved break from it all.
Oopsies! Canada doesn’t accept your passport either. Well, at least you can create a botanical garden with the two dying succulents by your bedroom window, because you are TRAPPED here.
Ruvubi National Park, Burundi
If you’re seeking a getaway off the beaten path, try Burundi, full of hippos, tigers, and other majestic wildlife in the heart of East Africa. They may have some political violence, but U.S. travelers are no longer strangers to that.
Dammit. The country says “DO NOT ENTER” while sneering at your country’s corrupt leadership. Instead, you can order Animal Crackers online to munch on. Tastes like majestic cardboard!
Pyongyang, North Korea
Fuck it! Will North Korea take you? What Pyongyang lacks in democracy, it makes up for in not being your tiny living space. Plus, maybe everyone will actually wear a mask.
Ugh, turns out they haven’t accepted U.S. passports for years. We don’t know what to tell you. You could eat kimchi out of a jar, fantasize about emigration, and sob agoraphobic tears under the covers for an authentic North Korean experience.
The Moon
There’s still a glimmer of hope outside your window: the shining, magical moon! Plus you know they have water there, so you can stay hydrated to help you de-stress. The best part? THEY DON’T HAVE CUSTOMS. Your U.S. passport is a non-issue! And there are no humans there to even worry about Covid! All you need is a spacesuit, some light astronomy, and the money of Elon Musk. Bon voyage!