I had a feeling it could happen, but I had no idea 2021 would let me down so quickly. Even 2020 waited until March to ruin the rest of the year. Maybe part of it was my fault, but Toyotathon is over already and my year is fucked because of it.
You might be thinking, “There will surely be other sales or even another Toyotathon soon.” Well, you'd be a category-A asshole to think that. Toyotathon is an event unlike any other! Don't you dare compare it to your boring weddings, births of children, or funerals for loved ones.
Those events happen every damn day of the year all over the world, but you know what doesn't? Toyotathon. By its very nature, Toyotathon is a limited sales event. Limited number of days, limited stock of vehicles, limited participating locations. It's the opposite of the 2009 film Limitless. And unlike that Bradley Cooper vehicle, these Toyota cars are reliable as hell.
What can I look forward to for the rest of the year? My birthday? I won’t be spending it cruising in a new leather interior, so why even celebrate?
And the deals! They're great, and gone now. Forever. Never to return. I now know what it is to lose something so important to you that you can't imagine life without it. Toyotathon was me and I was Toyotathon. Without it, what am I?
Toyotathon is a vibe.
Toyotathon doesn't just mean great deals, it means great financing too! Financing so good that you don't need to be an economist to see how good it is. Some models let you have 0% APR for 72 months; I'm not sure what that means but I know it's great! Something as good as Toyotathon only comes around once a year, like stimulus payments.
Toyotathon doesn't discriminate either, you don't have to buy a new car, you can lease one! They even say they're willing to break an old lease to sign you up for a new one. We all make mistakes and Toyota won't judge you for signing a dumb lease for a lesser car. And isn’t that what we all could use right now, some forgiveness and understanding as we move forward in this turbulent world? How am I supposed to use 2021 to get a new lease on life when I failed to lease a new Toyota Tacoma for only $199 a month?
Toyotathon is a way of life.
Dr. Fauci speaks of hope that the COVID-19 vaccine is bringing to the world, but already there is a new, more virulent strain of the virus making our future uncertain. What’s never been more uncertain? The power of Toyotathon, which still managed to happen amidst a world in chaos thanks to a pandemic, an uncertain political future, and Kim and Kanye’s reported divorce. Toyotathon was the guiding light, a beacon of true hope, and now it’s gone, forever extinguished like the recently discontinued Toyota Yaris.
Toyotathon is a fucking state of mind.
I’ve been watching old Toyotathon commercials while blasting Sinead O’Connor’s version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” for the past two days. The police told me to stop. So I switched to the Prince version of the song and they still told me to stop. Can’t they see I’m grieving?
Don't even get me started on Lexus' December to Remember, Happy Honda Days, or the Mercedes Benz Winter Event because those are just capitalistic attention grabs. When you're with Toyota, you're part of the team, and teams are like families, and the Toyota Sienna is the perfect family vehicle, do I have to spell it out for you?
Nothing gets me off like Toyotathon. There, I said it.
I know I'm partially to blame for waiting so long, I just wanted to savor every last second of Toyotathon. Besides, there were dozens of commercials and targeted Twitter ads telling me Toyotathon was “happening now!” that were repeating so much that I briefly forgot something so bright burns out so quickly.
I'll never forget you and your availability at participating franchises in the 48 continental United States, Toyotathon. 2022 can't come quick enough!