>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 74 – March 28, 2004
“Sponsored By Alcoholics Anonymous”
Now Playing: “A Little Bit Country” by The Osmonds
I like to consider myself a wild and crazy party animal, and you probably do to. If you're in college, you are expected to develop a drinking problem—and if you're a girl, an eating disorder as well—and there is no better way to do this than by frequenting the bar scene. I don't know about your particular town, but up here in Canada the bars and clubs are ludicrously popular. More popular, even, than disco bowling, if you can believe that. So grab your fake ID's and buckle up for a night on the town with me, your wild and crazy party animal guide. Here's what happened:
-Why do people get so excited when bars have “theme” nights? I can't begin to count the number of times I've been coaxed into going out because it's Mardi Gras night, or Country Western night, or Star Trek night or whatever. And then I get to the bar and it's just a regular night. No girls getting topless for beads. No mechanical bull and cowboy hats. No wacky naked Klingons. Nothing. I think the next time a bar around here has a theme night they should make the theme “Get really drunk and try to make out with people.” I'd go to that.
-A night out at the bar or club usually begins with a trip to the liquor store. This is because college students are completely unable to store alcohol in their homes. I've often suggested that we stock up, and buy a whole ton of beer and liquor so we don't have to go to the store every single time we want to drink, and every single time I get the same response: “I can't keep alcohol in the house. I'll just drink it all.” This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. When are you going to drink it all? For breakfast? Because that's the first step to developing a drinking problem, and there aren't very many steps. (Step 1: Drink beer for breakfast. Step 2: Attend AA meeting.)
-If you're not in college, you probably think it's weird to go to the liquor store and buy alcohol right before you're about to go to the bar and drink. We do this because buying drinks inside the bar is really expensive, so we get drunk at home before going out. By the time we actually get to the bar we're so wasted nobody's even thinking of buying drinks. Of course, if we're not going to be buying anything at the bar, then you could argue that there's really no point in going out in the first place. It's kind of like cooking yourself a nice big meal right before going to a buffet, so you just sit there the whole time twiddling your thumbs and complaining about how terrible the music is and how they didn't really follow through with the night's theme. At least that's what I do.
-Girls seem to have this psychotic expectation that guys will buy them as many drinks as they ask for, just as long as they wear something skimpy and agree to make out with you on the dance floor. And they're right.
-Quote of the Moment: Guys are so desperate to pick girls up that they'll actually make up pick-up games. My friend Jonathan has this one called “Kamikaze,” which he explains like this: “Find a group of girls. Then send in one of your most attractive buddies (the kamikaze pilot) in to pick up the ugliest girl in the pack. Then, once only the hot ones are left, the rest of us are free to go in and make our moves.” To me that seems too complicated. Why not just buy her a drink?
-Does anyone else have that one friend in the group who never goes out, and people keep begging him to come out with them, and then eventually he does and has a really crappy time and brings the entire group down with his incessant whining and then you wonder why you ever asked the jerk to come out with you in the first place? Because if you don't you can have mine.
-I admit it. I'm the guy who disappears ten seconds after we get into a club. I'm not sure how I do it. It's definitely not on purpose. I'll go check my coat and then turn around and everyone I came with is gone. I'll spend another hour looking for my friends and then take a cab home by myself. The next morning my roommates will ask me where I went, and tell me they spent the whole night looking for me. For me, nightclubs are like the Bermuda Triangle (with a lot more Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott).
-I think every club has one really old guy who always shows up and creeps people out. He's the guy standing there with grey hair and a giant beard, holding some old person's drink like “Coors Light” and staring at all the hot girls. One of these times I want to follow the old guy out of the bar, just to see if he drives an unmarked white van.
-Bride of Off-Topic Corner: Mud wrestling just doesn't do it for me. I don't know why some people seem to think it's so hot and sexy. Where's the appeal in watching girls who look like Swamp Thing? And they never do any real wrestling moves, either. I want to see mud wrestling where the girls hit each other with steel chairs and jump off the top rope. Because right now mud wrestling is just two trashy girls grappling in a vat of what looks like pig diarrhea. Now that's hot.
-Last Call at the bar is always a little strange to me. All the lights come on and the music suddenly stops, and you see for the first time how ugly the girl you were dancing with really is. Then everyone kind of breaks off into the groups they formed. The guys who managed to pick up leave first, dragging behind them a semi-conscious girl and hoisting her into a cab. A whole slew of people will stand around right outside the club for up to an hour, not really doing or saying anything. It's like nobody wants the night to end, despite the fact that they're now completely sober and it's raining outside. You'd think they'd go home and get some sleep. After all, some of them have an AA meeting to attend the next morning.