>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 35 – June 8, 2003
Now Playing: “Angel” by Massive Attack
I may be lazy, but when you get right down to it, I work pretty hard. In addition to maintaining a hugely unpopular website and newsletter, as well as performing sub-par stand-up comedy, I also hold a more-than-full-time job as an expert picture framer. I thought I'd let you in on my schedule last Saturday, when I went to work instead of going to synagogue or picking wings off flies in the basement or whatever the hell you people consider to be an ordinary Saturday thing to do. Here's what happened:
-8:00am: Wake up, still drunk from the night before, to the sound of my mom shrieking at me that I'm going to be late for work, even though I clearly will not. Work starts at 9, and I wouldn't be late even if I had to walk to work in the rain while blindfolded. Not that I can think of a scenario where such a feat would need accomplishing, but if it did, I promise you it would still be more pleasant than the sound of my mom shrieking at me as I'm fighting a hangover. Less than 10 minutes later, I'm out the door, unshaven, unshowered and pretty sure I'm still wearing at least half my pajamas.
-9:00am: Arrive at work a half hour late, as I come to the slow realization that on Saturdays work starts at 8:30, not 9. Hurry to catch up and receive the first of what will most probably be many, many paper cuts. Bleed profusely over someone's priceless artwork. Curse self before realizing the blood actually makes the art look better. Discover we're out of bandaids and pray for lunchtime.
-10:00am: Demand to know what time lunch will be. Employer claims not to know since “the store could be busy” and then continues to chat on instant messenger. Moments later, employer says he's going out for lunch. Observe that one's job is stressful and difficult when one must take time off lunch to instant message people, but not when one must take time off of instant messaging to go to lunch. Place hex upon employer.
-11:00am: Quote of the Moment: A guy walks into a framing store, takes a good look around, walks up to me and yells as loud as he can: “I thought this was a framing store! You don't even sell any pictures! Screw that!” before storming back home or possibly under his bridge. I'm lucky to be alive.
-12:00pm: Animated discussion between self and employer regarding mysterious blood on someone's priceless artwork. Accusations hurled in both directions. Matter is settled moments before an epic biting and pinching fight is about to erupt. Feelings hurt, wonder why it's not yet lunchtime.
-1:00pm: Receive telephone call from best friend wondering why I'm at work on a Saturday. Friend says he just finished the world's most amazing lunch, and is now playing Snood and getting drunk, and how it's a shame I can't be there because I'm stuck at work. Upon hearing that I have not yet eaten, friend wonders how come I'm not yet hungry. Tell friend I am, in fact, famished, and am plotting to kill and eat him. Employer overhears telephone conversation. Receive reprimand for making personal calls on company time, and that said call is coming out of paycheque. Continue bleeding profusely from all appendages.
-2:00pm: Finally time for lunch. Head over to nearest fast food chain to purchase deep fried meal from employee who speaks not a word of English. Wonder how someone who speaks no English got a job serving the public of an English-speaking country. Imagine the job interview went something like this: EMPLOYER – “So, why do you want to work at this fast food restaurant?” POTENTIAL EMPLOYEE – “…” EMPLOYER – “Good, good. And what education and experience do you have?” POTENTIAL EMPLOYEE – “…” EMPLOYER – “Excellent. Now I'm looking at your resume, and it looks pretty much like a crayon drawing of a tank running over a deer by the Eiffel Tower. Tell me about that.” POTENTIAL EMPLOYEE – “…” EMPLOYER – “I like your attitude! You're hired!”
-3:00pm: Return to work. Receive evil-eye from employer for having lunch run five minutes long due to shredding of fast-food employee's skin. Make another thinly-veiled attempt at framing before receiving more papercuts. Decide it's time for a break. Realize that looking forward to lunchtime makes the morning go by very quickly, but if lunch consists of fast food it makes the afternoon go by very slowly. Remainder of hour spent in bathroom.
-4:00pm: While working, get in argument with employer over legalization of marijuana. Employer believes that marijuana ought to be legal. Employer's ability to command store called into question, as well as the reason he's always going out to “pick up a few snacks”. Realize I'm probably working for a druglord.
-5:00pm: Finally time to go home. Attempt to put on jacket, but hand is covered with so many small cuts and bandages it looks like a quilt made out of cuts and bandages, and as such motor control has been reduced to that of an infant with Down syndrome who's just been pushed off a swing set. Wonder what lame joke I will be able to come up with about bloody hands to write about in newsletter. Leave store in defeat.