>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 100 – September 26, 2004
“Part of a Complete Centurion”
Now Playing: “Baba O'Reilly” by The Who
Over the last two years, Text-Heavy has brought thrills and laughs to many. Oh, sure, we had our share of bitter complaints about roommates and cafeteria food. But we've had good times too. From the time I bought a car to the time I received my very own cotton candy machine, Text-Heavy has been there. We've laughed together, cried together, committed suicide together. You reveled in the fantastic adventures of me and my haircut, and were titillated with tales of spring cleanings past. Well all that's about to change, my friends. I've written ninety-nine issues of this crap and I just can't take it anymore. All the long hours, the hate mail…. This has got to stop. I'm going on strike, effective immediately. I will not write another word, nay, another syllable, until the following demands are met. If you want to see what episode 101 has in store, you will bow down before me like an NHL Commissioner before a salary cap. Here are my demands. Here's what happened:
-Demand #1. Prohibition on Canadian Jokes: There are some writers at Points in Case who have taken lighthearted jabs at me because of my Canadian heritage. While I'm sure these have all been in good fun, they need to stop. Now. I demand a site-wide ban on all jokes pertaining to Canadiana. Anyone found to have violated this rule will be immediately punished by the traditional method under the Canadian Penal Code (genitals gnawed off by a beaver, followed by an apology).
-Demand #2. Date With Simonne: Like the majority of visitors to this fine site, every visit of mine to Pointsincase.com begins with a furtive glance towards Simonne's headshot. After I finish wiping the saliva from that section of my monitor, I proceed to re-read my column for the fourteenth time that day, so as to somehow justify visiting the site yet again without seeming like a complete fucking pervert. Well I'm sick of it. I respectfully request to have Simonne flown up here for a traditional Canadian date with me (dinner and sex, followed by an apology).
-Demand #3. Use of Company Vehicle: I'm pretty sure I am the only one of the columnists here who has yet to gain use of the official Pointsincase.com 1987 Chevy Nova. Even Mr. Beach or whatever the hell he calls himself got to use it for his monthly trip to the methadone clinic. Why not me? Ideally, I will gain use of the car during my date as per Demand #2, so I don't have to try and cop a feel on the bus. That's just embarrassing.
-Demand #4. No More Quotes of the Moment: Because pretty much everybody I know knows I write this newsletter now, after the incident of 2002, I can no longer have a respectable conversation without someone saying: “So, are you gonna put that in the newsletter now? Huh? Are you?” This is invariably followed by either “You asshole” or “Please?” I've wanted to stop the quote of the moment segment of Text-Heavy for quite some time now, but I keep hearing that it's people's favorite part, presumably because the jokes don't come from me. Well that's just too darn bad. I must stop these quotes so people won't think every conversation I have with them is just mining for newsletter material, even though it totally is.
-Demand #5. I Receive More Feedback than Justin: I bet Rebello sleeps quite well in his lush penthouse made of opal knowing that when he wakes up in the morning his feedback section will be filled with dozens of quotes like “Marry me, Justin. You're so sexy.” And, “I just masturbated to your column. Call me.” While MY feedback gets no more than two responses, each of them containing some variation on “Fuck you Canadian.” How do you think that makes me feel? I demand that my legions of fans stand up (or, if they are confined to a wheelchair due to a tragic but comical wombat-related accident, stay seated) and SHOW ME SOME LOVE. I want to see my feedback beat out Rebello's feedback, so that before he goes to sleep on his bed made entirely out of the body parts of the bikini models he slaughtered after sleeping with them he will cry, and I will taste his tears (metaphorically speaking…I don't want to actually have to touch him).
-Demand #6. Dental Plan: I never got braces when I was little because I came from a poor family of illegal immigrants. As Simonne will soon find out, this means that I have developed horrific horse teeth, usually associated only with the British Royal Family. I would go and have this corrected with cosmetic dentistry, but alas Pointsincase.com does not provide me with any sort of dental plan. Apparently somebody thinks my monthly salary of four charcoal briquettes and a used condom are enough to get by. Well it's not. Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure I can turn in my receipts for all those home pregnancy tests, too. Did somebody say write-off?
-Demand #7. Death Penalty for Anime Fans: When did it become okay to be a mildly pedophilic, sexually frustrated, pimply faced, antisocial retard? My college actually has an anime club, shocking proof that there is indeed no God. This presents an extra problem because putting these Chernobyls of humanity in the same place at the same time leads to the horrifying possibility that they might procreate, should the males ever manage to maintain an erection long enough to ejaculate into a girl who ISN'T a cartoon 8-year-old with tentacles coming out of her. If laws aren't passed outlawing anime, and these laws aren't enforced with the maximum sentence usually reserved for murderers and African Americans, then the terrorists have won. Same goes for Lord of the Rings fans.
-Demand #8. Stop Playing the Jew Card: I'm mighty sick of people assuming that just because I'm Jewish I'm tight with money. I'm not cheap because I'm Jewish. I'm cheap because I'm poor. Got it? Also I hate bagels.
-Demand #9. Pox Upon Patch Adams: God I hate that movie. I really, really hate it. Robin Williams is a very talented improviser who has the unfortunate trait of choosing to play the most irritating characters in the most irritating PG-rated movies ever made. He makes Rob Schneider look like Orson Welles. Curing sick kids through laughter? If Patch Adams gets AIDS I'll be laughing so hard he'll be cured for sure.
-Demand #10. Court Stops Pretending to be a Deer: Too anthropomorphic. Too creepy. It's hard to sleep at night knowing your boss is a closet furry. (Sorry.)