If everyone could please take your plates, I would like to start this shareholders meeting with the growing concern the Girl Scouts’ corporation has been facing for quite some time now. While Thin Mints basks in his popularity, he leaves all the heavy lifting to us. That’s not what I call synergy.
That’s why I, Trefoils, stand before you to officially request a vote of no confidence against Thin Mints.
Look, I will be the first to admit Thin Mints has done a great deal for this company. His numbers continue to raise the bar. It is what it is. But what happens when a cookie starts to care more about his appearance, rather than the empowerment of our Scouts?
It’s time to get rid of the overrated enriched flour, oil peppermint, and soy lecithin that is Thin Mints. Do you see the way he struts around in his “chocolate” coat? He thinks he can just show up at anybody’s doorstep and everybody will jump for joy.
Yes, he’s a founding member, but there’s a whole lot of other great folks on this robust team who are giving 110%. Samoas, I’m looking at you. Forget the online haters. You are not a “craptastic demon,” and I am not a “dry chunk of death.” Who do these jaded “reviewers” think they are? The Great British Bake Off queen Mary Berry?
Please. We build confidence, courage, and character in the next generation of female leaders. Even the scrumptious Mary Berry doesn’t have enough power to produce 73% of female U.S. Senators.
I know there has been some push-back. But it’s not like I’m trying to overrule Thin Mints so I can gain control of his stakes in this company—that would be nutty and we already have Tagalongs for that.
Alright, enough DO-SI-DO-ing around. I’m not saying I should be the next star cookie. I mean, I am the only one who upholds the Girl Scout trefoil symbol. So, sure, you can say I was appointed in 1935 to embody the Girl Scouts’ three-part promise, but I don’t go flaunting that stuff around. Not like Thin Mints back in ’17 when he was named “Sexiest Cookie Alive” by People Magazine.
In fact, I was contacted by People first. They wanted to include me on the list because I just so happen to be the lowest-in-calorie cookie, but I told them, “I don’t do this for the publicity.” Unlike Thin Mints, I’m not in it for the limelight. You’ll never catch me at the Academy Awards with Christian Bale. News flash: he’s only eating Thin Mints because the director said the shot looked “relatable.”
At the end of the day, we teach our Scouts to voice their opinions, but for far too long, it’s only been about what Thin Mints wants. I say, what about Toffee-tastic? What do you want? You are buttery and crunchy and gluten-free. Think about the impact you could make in the Celiac community.
I don’t want to see that wisp of musty mint take all the credit. I know floss with stronger flavor. We all deserve better. Remember what happened to Scot-Teas? All because Thin Mints feared her sugar dust would gain more traction. RIP, Scot-Teas, R. I. P.
As former Scout and first female Secretary of State Madeleine Albright once wrote, “There is a special place in hell for cookies who don’t help each other.” So, don’t be fooled by Thin Mints’ charade. When he swaggers into this boardroom, remember he’s only in it for the fame. The glory. The Bale.
I’ll leave you with this: When we emerge past those steaming oven doors, who do you want by your side? A stale brick of ash or a velvety, yet crispy cookie whose sweet soul has been imprinted with the Girl Scout law?
That’s why I’m voting no confidence and you should too.
…Now, that's the way the cookie crumbles.