I‘m writing this as I'm pounding down Frosted Shredded Wheat. That cereal sucks. Why did I even buy it. Cinnamon Toast Crunch destroys it. I guess 'cause the Shredded was on sale. Damn you, sales! Yeah, I've been drinking.
I went to this bar tonight… Christ a shit load of people. Horseshit. Anyway, I had a few beers, not the drunkest I've ever been, but then, not THAT SOBER! Fuck cover charges. Feminist movement my ass. It's bullshit. Skirts can vote, why do they get into bars for free. And don't be all, “Do you wanna party with a bunch of guys?” Donkey horse farm animal of the moment shit. Listen, uhh, I lost my train of thought.
Movin' on.
I spent 40 fucking dollars doin' laundry today. 40. 40. FORTY. For laundry. For that money, the left sleeve of my polo shirt should jack me off. Remember back in the day when you could crank call people and be like, “Hey is Jack there? Last name Mehoff.” And the bar dude would be all: “Hey is Jack Mehoff there?” But it sounded like “jack me off.” Get it? Get it?
The Sox won tonight. They won't win the division because of the curse. Yeah, I said it. Fuck Yankee fans. Goddamn I hate them. The Red Sox are America's team. Some shitbox called me yesterday asking me to write for a magazine that's read by goddamn Christian conservatives. And he was serious. Has he even read this column? Not like I write about masturbation or beer or that bitch who don't like me even though I'm a gentleman and shit. Every guy knows a bizznatch like that. You treat her like gold, and nothin'. But the first House of Pain looking mothafucka, she's all up in his grill. Fuckin' hoebag.
Ummm.
Mmmmmm. Leftover pizza.
There's probably a shitload of spelling errors. Fuck it. That's what Court's for. I can be like af;alekfjh;8irjhsdo'fij fcpikew and see what happens? He'll IM me and be all “aaskl;dskl;dskl;dskl;dskl;dskl;dskl;dskl;dskld;d, what does that mean?” and I'll be like “Suck it!”
I'm sure you're reading this thinking, “Is he really drunk?” Fuck you. Remember when that skinny chick from the “Criminal” video was all, “This world is bullshit. Maya Angelou once said starve yourself.” That's how I feel. It's like, it's like, I dunno, it's like something.
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming.
Lyrics from the song I'm listening to. Canadian does it. Ever scroll through your Winamp playlist and think “Fuck, why did I ever download these songs? Bette Midler? Hanson? Staind?”
I don't wanna close my eyes.
I don't wanna fall asleep.
I didn't think I was gonna have an article this week. The gay computer at work froze when I was working on my last one. It's okay it sucked anyway. It got deleted. I hate that. You non-writers don't realize. You write something, then get that sinking feeling it sucks, so you delete it, write some pile of shit drunk and some Christian conservative offers you 30 cents a fuckin' word to write God knows what.
dlksj;lfajg;as'kfdjL'RKGJA'L
i'VE BEEN drinKinGW
[Editor's note: He was drinking.]