>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
March 31, 2004
Dear Nicole,
It's always been hard for me to meet women. A few years ago I started throwing myself in front of moving vehicles to meet their attractive occupants. It worked great, my social life has really improved but I still haven't found that special someone. How do I make my wheelchair more attractive?
-Michael
Dear Michael,
Currently the most popular wheelchair styles for men are Bitter Veteran and Mentally Challenged Stuffed Animal Guy. But don’t be afraid to experiment with new looks. For example, if you're a little Asian kid with a shaved head who enjoys “cruising”, listening to mass-produced hip-hop and drinking cheap alcohol with your “homies”, then you could try building your own wheelchair, adding some spinning rims and attaching an enormous spoiler.
Sincerely,
Nicole
Dear Nicole,
So college is supposed to be lots of drinking and sex…why haven't I heard of any at my college??
-Crystal
Dear Crystal,
You’re either deaf or Amish.
Sincerely,
Nicole
Dear Nicole,
Why were my parents born with the balls to name me Coco?
-Coco
Dear Coco,
Aww, don’t worry little fella. If you’re feeling down, just remember how special you are! Very few dogs know how to type.
Sincerely,
Nicole
Dear Nicole,
Me and several of my friends think you’re hot. We think you can do a little better than the picture that you have up at the top of your column. I not saying naked or anything (although that would be cool) but how about underwear or even a swimsuit?
-We Love Nicole Club Member #32
Dear Member #32,
Thank you for your prurient interest in my column. Here’s a picture just for you!
Sincerely,
Nicole