Okay, can I have a private conversation with everyone here?
Everyone..except you, Shaq. Sorry. Can you just please leave the room for a second—AND DON'T EAT ANY MORE LOAVES OF BREAD, SHAQY. Goooood dog.
Okay, everyone, seriously, who the FUCK invited Shaq to this party?
Don't get me wrong, I think Shaq is a phenomenal basketball player, excluding from the free throw line. And he is one of the greatest actors of our generation. I mean Kazaam?!? That might as well have been Citizen Kane 2! Right?
Just outstanding. Un-fucking-believable.
So imagine my great surprise and awe when I look over and see Shaquille O'Neal himself in my house. I never thought I'd see the day! Towering at over twice the height of my midget friend Steve, it was hard not to stare. But Shaq didn't get mad. He's a gentle giant.
But after the initial shock of Shaq being at my house wore off, the awesomeness was overshadowed by his weirdness. I mean, he's sweating buckets and all he's doing is standing! It's making the floor wet.
I went up to him and asked him if everything is okay, since he looked uncomfortable, sweating so much. His whole face is wet..and dripping. But he said he was perfectly fine. What the fuck?
When he got here, I thought he would maybe show me how to spin a basketball on my finger. I didn't think he would just quote lyrics from his rap albums.
And I could barely even understand what he's saying. It just sounds like he's moaning when he talks.
Every time he goes into a room, he hits his head on the ceiling, usually breaking it.What is that?! Don't you think after all these years of being Shaq, that he would watch his head? Does it really surprise him when he hits his head on the ceiling?
I still can't feel my hand from when I shook hands with him. I think he sprained it, guys, seriously.
He's like three times the size of a normal human, so I can understand that he smokes three cigarettes at once, needs a 3-times-the-normal size toilet, and drinks gallons of milk instead of cups. But quite honestly I'm finding it hard to accommodate him. I'm trying, though. I don't want Shaq to leave my house with a bad impression of me. Although, then again I don't want him to ever come back ever.
I mean haven't you guys noticed anything? Is this normal? Taking ‘glasses' of liquor instead of shots? Drinking from the keg instead of from a cup? He went over to the keg, broke off the tap, and started drinking it like a bottle of water. Did this not strike anyone as unusual party behavior?
For fuck's sake, couldn't you have invited a different Laker, since you guys apparently have the ins with them? Kobe Bryant, perhaps? Lamar Odom, maybe? Derek Fisher? Pau Gasol? Sasha Vujacic? Vladimir Radmanovic, possibly?
Oh, Shaq doesn't play for the Lakers anymore?
Oh. Well, just goes to show you how much I know about the Lakers lineup. Not very much, my friends, not very much.