Okay, so here’s the plan. At 7 PM, I’m getting a haircut. Tomorrow, I’m leaving work early, getting my car’s oil changed and heading up highway 75 into the great State of Georgia, where I will be spending a few days at the Points in Case Fifth Anniversary Celebration (celebrating five years of editor Court Sullivan’s not having to put on pants unless he damn well feels like it). Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “The internet is weird.” And one of the weirdest things about the internet (for me, anyway) is that I’ve been writing a column for PIC for almost six months and (with the exception of former columnist, Mike Forest, who quit writing for PIC to pursue whatever the hell he pursues), I have not met one person affiliated with the site.
Okay, so here’s the plan. At 7 PM, I’m getting a haircut. Tomorrow, I’m leaving work early, getting my car’s oil changed and heading up highway 75 into the great State of Georgia, where I will be spending a few days at the Points in Case Fifth Anniversary Celebration (celebrating five years of editor Court Sullivan’s not having to put on pants unless he damn well feels like it). Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “The internet is weird.” And one of the weirdest things about the internet (for me, anyway) is that I’ve been writing a column for PIC for almost six months and (with the exception of former columnist, Mike Forest, who quit writing for PIC to pursue whatever the hell he pursues), I have not met one person affiliated with the site.
So this should be interesting.
Hopefully, I’ll get to meet all of the columnists and bloggers on the site. (I’ve heard that a couple of them may not make it on account of really good excuses that they never shared with anyone. And by “anyone,” I mean “me.”) And hopefully, we’ll all have a good time.
But I won’t be writing for a while. I know, don’t cry. We’ll get through this.
So, because I like to at least try and keep my promises, I am posting my NFL picks up right now. I reserve the right to change any of these as late as Friday night should an injury or position change come to light. I’m pretty sure Court Sullivan has a computer (hmmm… smells like an understatement for sarcasm’s sake. Someone open a window).
Onto the picks.
PATRIOTS (-4½) over Buccaneers
The high in Foxboro will be just under forty degrees. Historically, the Bucs do really poorly in cold weather. I can understand. When it gets below forty here (and it does happen every now and again, thank you very much), I cry like a little girl whose older brother just smeared ink all over her favorite dress. It ain’t pretty, that’s for sure.
GIANTS (+3) over Chiefs
There’s nothing funny about this game so I’m gonna tell you the sentence I long to hear uttered at the PIC Party. “God, Simonne and Ali sure like to kiss each other.” The remote possibility of such an event almost caused me to run out and by a camera.
Broncos (-7½) BILLS
The Broncos haven’t covered for me once this year. I’m starting to think they don’t like me. Also, you can tell it’s the end of the NFL season by the way that you start thinking about teams like the Bills. At the beginning of the season, I could name almost all of their players and coaches. Now, because they suck so bad again, all I can remember is that their coach is named Mike and JP Losman sucks.
VIKINGS (+3) over Steelers
I dare anyone to bet on the Steelers. You will fail. And, in addition to losing money, should you bet on The Steelers, you will learn two things: Brad Johnson is a very reliable quarterback (there is no truth to the rumor that I’m changing the title of this blog from The Nate Way to Licking Brad Johnson’s Balls, by the way) and the Vikings can be exceptionally dangerous at home in the dome on carpet against teams that thrive in the elements, like the Steelers. Go ahead, if you want. Go join the rest of the world in betting on the Steelers. But don’t blame me. I voted for Brad Johnson.
Chargers (+7½) COLTS
Here’s something to think about. Because of their actions since the perfect season, no one likes the ’72 Dolphins. Because of their lack of personality, nobody likes Tony Dungy or Peyton Manning, either (seriously, how boring would dinner with Peyton and Tony be? You can tell they’re board game fans. Some people, well, you can just tell). Perfection is not very likeable. Wow, I almost got deep for a second. Excuse me.
JAGUARS (-15½) over 49ers
I wouldn’t watch this game if I had a relative playing in it.
Seahawks (-7) over TITANS
I know the Seahawks have clinched it and all, but well… Either this spread is Vegas’s attempt to hand out free money or few starters are playing the whole game for Seattle. Don’t bet money on this one. I mean, who the hell knows? If Seattle hadn’t clinched it already, that spread would be around 14. Strange.
Cardinals (-1½) over TEXANS
I wouldn’t watch this game if I was playing in it.
DOLPHINS (-9) over Jets
Why even broadcast this? Why waste everyone’s time? With this one, they should just play the game with no television timeouts. Also, they should reduce the price of beer, tickets, parking and hookers to justify selling out this crap fest.
Panthers (-9) over SAINTS
I don’t even know what city this game is being played in and I know it’s a lock. Also, I think you may hear this exact sentence from the voiceover guy before this game: “After last week’s loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Carolina Panthers are out for blood and first place in the NFC South.” (And while we’re here, I want to thank Bill Maas, announcer of last week’s Panthers/Bucs game for doing the most god awful job of announcing I have ever had the misfortune to hear. He got every name wrong, refused to acknowledge that he had a partner in the booth—it was almost like watching two separate broadcasts at once—and removed vital organs from the English language all while kissing the collective silver and turquoise ass of the Panthers. On behalf of Buc fans everywhere, Fuck You, Maas.)
Cowboys (+3) over REDSKINS
Remember when you were a little kid, and these teams played each other almost every Thanksgiving? Well, some parental advocates group decided that it was not politically correct to have Cowboys and Indians beating the crap out of each other on Thanksgiving. So now we don’t get that treat anymore. So, here’s my question. Am I the only one that got really pissed off about that?
Bengals (-8) over LIONS
For games like this, I wish they tested the blood alcohol level of all the players beforehand. That way, we could hear announcers say stuff like “Oh, and what a miraculous throw by Jeff Garcia who blew a point one two before the game. Can this guy play drunk or what?”
Browns (+3) over RAIDERS
Working for me this year: two immigrant laborers and picking against the Raiders.
Eagles (-3½) over RAMS
Also working for me this year: a lighter hair gel and picking against the Rams.
RAVENS (-3½) over Packers
I wonder what Brett Favre will do after he retires. I’d really like to see him open a bar in Milwaukee that serves nothing but whiskey, American beer in bottles and rare meat. I think that’s the kind of thing he could do well. I could also see him running for senator or something and then getting caught in some kind of well-filmed sex scandal. I have a screwed up imagination. What can I say?
I’m going to get a haircut now.