Dear readers, Points in Case has added another columnist. This time, blogger Nick Gaudio has elevated his status from writer of random poetry to actual columnist. Since he’s naturally offensive, I’m sure he’ll do well. So, because we seem to be expanding thanks to National Lampoon and the insane vision of Court “Wow, I’m surprised how sexy his voice is” Sullivan, I have decided to let you guys in on a few things that one must know to be a Points in Case columnist. In a way, I’m showing you guys the smoke and mirrors behind the magic act that is this fine web site. In another way, I’m making fun of us. But hey, if anyone can take a joke, you’d think it would be the jesters. So, to help you understand what it takes to be a Points in Case columnist, I offer the following pieces of advice.
Dear readers, Points in Case has added another columnist. This time, blogger Nick Gaudio has elevated his status from writer of random poetry to actual columnist. Since he’s naturally offensive, I’m sure he’ll do well. So, because we seem to be expanding thanks to National Lampoon and the insane vision of Court “Wow, I’m surprised how sexy his voice is” Sullivan, I have decided to let you guys in on a few things that one must know to be a Points in Case columnist. In a way, I’m showing you guys the smoke and mirrors behind the magic act that is this fine web site. In another way, I’m making fun of us. But hey, if anyone can take a joke, you’d think it would be the jesters. So, to help you understand what it takes to be a Points in Case columnist, I offer the following pieces of advice.
Learn to Write
This one isn’t totally necessary. But it makes Court’s job easier. To learn to write, just read “Elements of Style” by Strunk and White and memorize it. Then write. A lot.
Lists are your Friends
At least fifty percent of the columns written on PIC involve lists. So, whenever you’re struggling for an idea, just think of three to ten ways to do something a sane man would call stupid and unnecessary, and viola, instant column. Just add jokes.
Piss People Off
This little tidbit is the cornerstone of PIC legend, Justin Rebello’s career. The more people get pissed, the more they bitch, the more they bitch, the more people read to see what everyone’s bitching about. The more people read, the more they bitch to people who will read, and then (you guessed it) bitch. Here at PIC, we call this, “The Circle of Life.”
Be Funny
Okay, so I haven’t exactly gotten this down yet. If you’re not a naturally funny person (like me), the trick is to have a great memory for what makes you laugh. If my friends Ben, Mike and Ryan could write, they wouldn’t have to rely on me stealing their ideas every time they make me chuckle. I’m actually really good at poetry, short stories and drama, but none of that works on PIC. So, I just savor every funny moment I can and translate them onto the cyber page with the hopes that you’ll find my life as funny as I do. This one is kind of tricky. I don’t pull it off with regularity, but what can you do? Here at PIC, we have a saying. And that saying is, “Hey, as long as it’s not plagiarized, we’ll take it.” And we mean that.
Throw in as Much Sex as Possible
I mean, hell. It’s all most of us think about anyway. This way, everyone can relate.
Now, I’m sure Gaudio already knows these rules, or he wouldn’t have made it into the elite club that is the PIC columnists. But now you know. So go on, practice these rules, take the open blog spot vacated by Gaudio, and have some fucking fun.
If you’re lucky, some girls will send you naked pictures of themselves.
And that’s really what this is all about, anyway.