Do you dream of the ultimate EDM concert squad? You’re not alone.
Here at #SquadGoals, we’re here to meet two millennial needs:
- The need for money, and
- The need to reach one’s #SquadGoals.
It doesn’t matter if you’re hitting up deadmau5, Crystal Castles, Com Truise, or just your local heroin dealer’s latest attempt at being a DJ: any EDM concert experience (and its accompanying Snapchat Story and Instagram dump) can be enhanced by the simple addition of a few choice millennials.
Here’s a list of some millennials we at #SquadGoals have available for rent.
At an EDM concert, Jeffrey will firmly remind the squad that his absent girlfriend is “polysexual, but monoromantic” right before showing the birthmark on his left bicep to a rando with her bottom lip pierced.
1. KC
KC is a 22 year-old “Etsy Innovator” who decided to shave her head after one of her dreadlocks fell into the tamale bar at a co-op. A lot of guys call KC a “serial monogamist” and some other guys call her “batshit crazy,” i.e. she has the unfortunate combination of being initially attractive and progressively hysterical. This means she’s in a codependent relationship with a very, very poorly trained “dog” named Yeezus that looks like the product of a radioactive blow-drying incident. Yeezus is an all-around Minister of Chaos, has crapped in KC’s fire escape hammock twelve times, and contributes to a vicious cycle in which KC coddles him as a distraction from her unstable love life, thereby enabling the insufferable dog behavior that drives romantic interests away.
At an EDM concert, KC can be expected to wear the following “ironic” ensemble: one shredded denim jacket, one Grateful Dead tee, and two garlands she picked up at Coachella. Space leggings with sneaker pumps are on a weekly rotation with cutoffs and Chucks. For a 20% markup, KC will wear John Lennon sunglasses to a basement show at 3:00 a.m. where she’ll explain how she’s recently “made the plunge” to stop wearing makeup, but is still too socially anxious to show her face without it on.
When sober, KC spends most of her time finding ways to shoehorn a speech about how Taylor Swift’s acoustic guitar cover of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” proves she’s A Real Musician (“like, Elliott Smith level real”) into conversations that have nothing to do with Taylor Swift. Most squads like having KC at a concert because she’s guaranteed to get sloppy drunk fast, and can offer people an excuse to leave early to “Take care of KC and make sure she gets home safe.”
If you want your night to go completely off the rails, just call KC “KFC.” Recommended for advanced EDM concert-goers only.
2. Jeffrey
Jeffrey is a 31-year-old man who introduces himself by quoting “My name-uh Jeff” in Channing Tatum’s Mexican voice from 22 Jump Street and then saying “But actually, I prefer Jeffrey” in a voice he unconsciously internalized after dreaming about Hannibal Lecter for three weeks straight. Women aged 16-20 tend to be big fans of Jeffrey, and he is allegedly dating one of them now, though no one’s sure who she is or if she’s real. Being an atheist isn’t the first thing Jeffrey will tell you about himself, but that’s only because it’ll be superceded by Crossfit and that bit about his name.
Jeffrey’s really more into thrash metal, but isn’t attracted to “metal chicks,” so he’s at the EDM show purely for the poon. For a 20% markup, Jeffrey will whisper “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man; I get older, they stay the same age” from Dazed and Confused in your ear, and use that opportunity to recite the nine reasons he believes Richard Linklater should be universally recognized as a better director than Stanley Kubrick. For a 40% markup, Jeffrey will wear one of his Sailor Moon shirts.
At an EDM concert, Jeffrey will firmly remind the squad that his absent girlfriend is “polysexual, but monoromantic” right before showing the birthmark on his left bicep to a rando with her bottom lip pierced. The rando will probably go home with him after he says “You haven’t lived until you’ve played Powerstone on Dreamcast.” He won’t know what you’re talking about if you tell him that’s a weird thing to say considering very few people played it on the Sega NAOMI.
When Jeffrey was 19, he thought it made him deep to have a print of Gustav Klimt’s “The Kiss” hanging in his dorm, but he’s since upgraded to thinking it makes him deep to have a print of the Voltaire quote “Le sens commun n’est pas si commun” (“Common sense is not so common”) hanging in his “apartment” (his stepdad’s garage).
Jeffrey isn’t into insect porn, but he grinningly permits the rumor.
3. Gerald
Gerald is a 24-year-old graphic artist who works at a company that makes iPhone games for people with learning disabilities. We recommend renting Gerald in combination with Jeff, as Jeff will say that the phrase “iPhone games for people with learning disabilities” is redundant. This sort of banter can help kill time when the third opening act at the EDM concert fucks up his soundtable and you’re forced to stand in place for another two hours before the main act comes on stage.
Gerald’s legal name is Giang Nguyen, but he’s asked everyone to call him “Gerald” since he became obsessed with Gerald from Hey, Arnold! in 1998. Gerald has a Gerald-from-Hey-Arnold! tramp-stamp that earned him about sixteen karma on Reddit, though sometimes it’s seventeen when he refreshes the page.
Gerald hasn’t read any of the books he listed as favorites on OKCupid (e.g. Gravity’s Rainbow, Infinite Jest), but he says his fealty to the paleo diet has yielded him a lot of luck on Tinder. In reality, half the women who sleep with Gerald do so because he’s very vocal about liking armpit hair. A fourth do so because of his Youtube series, in which he sprinkles Vietnamese puns (e.g. “Hey baby, you want some pho?”) between Lil’ Wayne impressions and reviews of artisanal bubble tea cafés. The other fourth have all told Gerald they like girls now.
After his parents discovered that there was a nude photograph of him showing off his Gerald tramp-stamp hanging in a free trade coffee house in Brooklyn, Gerald moved to upstate New York with several furries to start a Marxist commune called “The Farm.” He read about 20 pages of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, fell in love with a longboarder named Tiya, and ran away with her back to Brooklyn where she dumped him for “going mainstream” (i.e. developing an addiction to League of Legends and quoting Karthus during sex).
Prior to an EDM concert, Gerald will have made SoundCloud playlists for every act and can list every performing musician’s names, pseudonyms, pet projects, B-sides, remasters, remix compilations, and live sets. He also comes with strong opinions about whether he prefers a particular track on vinyl or digital. For a 20% markup, Gerald will no longer say “Bro, this is my damn JAM!” at the beginning of every song.
4. Kenny
Kenny (stage name: Kenny “Butt Chug” Crash), 28, is one of the few sapiosexual bike messengers we have left available for rent. When he’s not deliberately biking the wrong way down a one-way street to save fifteen minutes of commute time between deliveries, Kenny likes gargling PBRs and arguing about the intersectional facets of Pepe the Frog memes. While he has a track record of waking up standing in someone else’s shower, he can usually be counted on to take himself to the hospital when he finds trash lodged in between his ribs after a long night of dumpster diving.
At an EDM concert, Kenny will wear whatever you put on him and usually ends up yelling “Let’s get lit” upon finding barbiturates stowed away in his beard. For a 20% markup, he will declare that owning a theremin makes him a leading expert on EDM and just start making up band names until he passes out. For a 40% markup, he’ll tell you about the time he gave a PowerPoint presentation about de-stigmatizing head lice at an anarchist bookstore. And for a 60% markup, you can find out how Kenny got his stage name.
When drunk, Kenny explains that he could have been a programmer at the Pentagon, but lost the necessary motivation after his mom threw out his VHS player.
He doesn’t know it, but he’s the only person in the Western Hemisphere who’s slept with the bassists of every Midwestern band that had the word “boner” in its name in 2005.
5. Chem
Chem (short for “Chemical X”) is a 26 year-old, kink-friendly, cis-gendered, polyamorous, and pansexual camgirl, burlesque dancer, Whovian, underground poetry reading series co-curator, conservationist, philanthropist, painter, switch, Teller of Herstory, breaker of chains, and successful erotic fiction ghost writer. She can win any intellectual debate by simply being so ambiguous about whether or not she’s being sarcastic that no one ever really knows what she means. Chem’s one weakness is her love-hate relationship with James Franco, which drives her into a compulsive cycle of following and unfollowing him on Instagram until she breaks down over whether or not Spring Breakers empowers or exploits women.
At an EDM concert, you can always count on Chem to order a gin and tonic and dismiss whatever’s on stage by saying “the shows I saw in Berlin had a more esoteric energy.” You can also count on Chem for a cigarette. On Fridays, she’ll apologize for not bringing Molly, but never clarify whether she means a girlfriend, the drug, or a strained reference to the Sprawl series.
One of Chem’s degrees is in psychology, though ironically she only remembers what “retrograde” means in the context of horoscopes, not in that of amnesia.
Chem dresses in white, red, and black and rotates through a series of visual personas insired by Madonna, Jackie Kennedy, Charlie Chaplin, Sharon Needles, and Dita Von Teese. For a 50% markup, the possibility of Tifa Lockhart, Holly Golightly, Joan of Arc, Jane Lane, Iris Apfel, and Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be included in your rental.