Notable wins
By and large, this has been a remarkable year for Burger Slut. We saw promising numbers from the Classic Slut, the Salty Bitch Burger, and the Beyond Meat Butch Burger, thanks to a boost from climate-conscious consumers. We closed Q1 with the successful launch of the Saucy Slut, the Double Slut, and of course, the Fat Chick, while the Spicy Fat Chick gained traction in pockets of western Jacksonville. Tater Tits saw a 58% lift after an aggressive push on social media, and we intend to keep potato TikTok on tot-watch with the Sweet Tater Tit launch this October.
Risk factors
Though we continue to dominate the sexually suggestive fast casual eatery niche, we’re staying vigilant about emerging competitors. Other neighborhood grills and family cantinas have caught onto the striking effectiveness of terms associated with sexual indignity to sell their food:
- Frozen yogurt chain “Crazy Yogurt” has rebranded to “Hysterical Yogurt” and is in talks to open a juice and smoothie bar, Floozies, on the ground floor of a 24-hour fitness.
- The I-95 northbound rest area has introduced a combination Soup Skank/Tramp Dog, from the team behind the all-you-can-eat gas station chili bistro, Guzzler’s.
- We’ve confirmed that longtime rival Panini Whore has added locations in J-ville’s southern quadrants, along with a secret menu featuring something called a “prosciutto ring.”
Although competitors have clearly taken cues from the Burger Slut brand strategy, we’re entirely committed to relentless innovation. Times are changing, but the hungry public’s propensity for salacious marketing choices persists. Our team remains on the cutting edge of progress, as evidenced by this year’s “Smash-or-pass Burger” and the viral “Vile Wench Fry Pile.”
Learning opportunities
We can’t celebrate our wins without acknowledging our less fruitful initiatives. For some unknown reason, our Green Bitch Salad continues on an impressive trajectory, while the Son-of-a-Green-Bitch Salad has not been ordered by a single patron. (We’ve directed staff to push protein add-ons like Side-hoe Tofu or grilled chicken boob.)
Data seems to indicate that our most impactful messaging is that which relates specifically to one's frequent sexual encounters, but this fails to explain why terms like Skank, Whore, and Slut continue to be our heavy hitters, while Player, Romeo, and Smooth Operator have struggled to garner the same results. This elusive trend is further evident in lackluster numbers from the Casanova Casserole, Deep-fried Don Juan-tons, and the Mack-daddy Mac n' cheese bites. Despite our better instincts, low sales from Cinco de Mayo have put finally the nail in the Tableside Cock-a-Mole coffin.
Some have pointed out we’re seeing disproportionate success with female-coded terms that specifically degrade women. But we stress that that is pure coincidence, as we simply don’t have an equally deep—seemingly endless—well of derogatory terms associated with male promiscuity at our disposal. Still, our expert researchers are digging into the data to find out why value items like the “Easy-to-eat box” have exploded, while Penis Nuggets continue to flop.
Giving Back
Burger Slut has a long history of community involvement, and we’re proud to reflect on a record-breaking year of charitable giving. We donated over 500,000 Lil’ Slut Sliders to elementary schools across Jacksonville proper, and raised nearly $250K for Heart Paws: the largest shelter network in the bi-state area. Hundreds of dogs that have been neglected, written off, or shamed for their past behavior are finding warm, respectful homes thanks to the impressive sales of our Sluts and Bitches.
Looking Forward
We’ve long been the mavericks of the upper Floridian fast food scene, but today we stand as visionaries of sexually disparaging classic American fare. Tens of dozens of people have already subscribed to our industry newsletter, Thot Leadership, and we’re on our way to becoming the premier obscenity-themed beef destination in the subtropical American East. If one lesson is clear, it’s that our recipe for success should not be altered.
That’s why next year, we’re doubling down. Plans are in the works to distribute our Super Slut Sauce to grocers throughout the coastal lowlands. This time next year, we’ll have our sauce in every Hole Foods south of the Georgian meridian. Excitingly, new menu items have entered testing: including the option to turn any of our Bitch Salads into a Slappin’ Bitch Wrap. Long-awaited seafood offerings are also set to launch this summer, with both the Sea-ward Shrimp Scampi and the C-word Calamari Platter. Brave brunch diners can now attempt to finish the Horny Man’s Breakfasts—seventeen eggs and a Gatorade—or go in together on the shared Seamen Bucket.
Summary
In conclusion, we have a lot to be proud of. We managed to develop and test dozens of new products while expanding the Burger Slut footprint all across God’s green peninsula. We’re holding strong against the Panini Whores of the world by sticking to our mainstay messaging. Now, armed with the insight that Cinnamon Twat Pretzels and Chicken Strippers will always earn more attention—and tons more money—than a Double-Pecker Patty ever will, we see a promising outlook for the Burger Slut bottom line, and a bright future for our BS mission.