In 12th Century B.C, I noticed a massive wooden horse outside the gates of Troy. Acting in my duties as the mayor and believing this was a gift for my loyal service to Troy, I eventually pulled the horse inside the city. I did not know that Sacha Baron Cohen and a group of Greek soldiers were planning to destroy the city of Troy.
Some have expressed outrage that I could be tricked into letting opposing soldiers into our city, but there were many complicating factors that would trick even the sharpest mind. For one, the horse had thick eyebrows, a large nose, a bushy mustache, and was smoking a cigar. I now know this as a common disguise known as “Groucho glasses,” but, at the time, I thought it was a very tasteful decoration. Looking back, I should have known something was amiss when I learned the cigar was plastic, but I was too busy thinking of how I was going to fit the horse into my home office.
I do have some regrets with how I handled this situation. Upon hearing noises coming from inside, I opened the horse to find Mr. Cohen and the soldiers. Just as I was about to call for help, Mr. Cohen introduced himself as “Yusef Frankfurter,” an Israeli playwright. I’m sure many of you are wondering how I didn’t recognize someone so well known for subterfuge. After all, Sacha Baron Cohen is the same man who convinced us to rub olive oil on our bodies for tanning, resulting in many burnt nipples across Ancient Greece. However, Mr. Cohen, as always, had a cunning disguise. The entire time I saw Mr. Cohen, he was holding a newspaper to his face, with only holes in the paper for his eyes. Every time I looked away, I’d see in my periphery that he’d lower the paper, but he’d raise it back up when I looked. This was incredibly frustrating and a very effective disguise.
In character as “Yusef Frankfurter,” he told me that he wanted his next project to be about a very handsome and courageous mayor leading a group of soldiers to a famous war victory. He explained that the soldiers were his actors and they wanted to meet a real-life heroic mayor to learn more about their characters. I asked if he meant a general instead of a mayor, but then “Yusef” said something about the mayor getting to hold a spear and I couldn’t think straight.
At this point, I would like to address the fact that I aided and abetted Mr. Cohen and the soldiers with the sacking of the city. Under the guise of an acting exercise, Mr. Cohen directed the soldiers and myself to start ransacking houses. I started to protest, until Mr. Cohen threatened to leave and base his play on the mayor in Delphi. Well, I know that guy and he’s a real tool, the type of guy who would rub it in my face for a whole epoch, so I went through with it. I had some misgivings stripping homes of furniture and metal objects, but by the time I was burning down the temple, I knew it was wrong. If only that darn Sacha Baron Cohen didn’t force me to destroy the very city I love! I demand Sacha Baron Cohen apologize to the people of Troy on behalf of my actions.
While the war is over, I am now considering taking legal action against Mr. Cohen for this vicious political attack. As a citizen of Troy, I believe in truth and honesty, which Sacha Baron Cohen and his cohorts do not. The disrespect of my city under the guise of creating theater will not soon be forgotten—unlike the way I forgot to lock the city gates after I moved the horse inside.