Comedy Articles

Thank You from the Society That’s Been Growing Under Your Ass

Thanks to you, our novel species of intelligent beings may roam these brown leather lands and pray to the red flannel ass above.

For too long, we have ignored the very real threat that COVID-19 can survive in and be spread through ectoplasm.

You see, when I was fired from my job at Target for stealing money out of the register, it was actually a clever commentary on American capitalism.

Congrats on your new academic article, though I should really be congratulating myself because the version of your I wrote in my head is much better.

There is no need to fixate on future problems before they arise by preemptively discussing a plan for an emergency situation which may never occur.

I was going through your photos, which– Stop screaming, you know you have nothing incriminating.

There's no living author with a better take on the "excruciating telegram" style of mom text messages.

Whose fault is it I don’t look perfect anymore? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my arms that splashed me with queso dip.

Next time, consider delivering in a Lyft, the cereal aisle at your grocery store, or during your yoga class. Claim denied.

The grocery store is like a math classroom come to life. This fact is true even as the global food supply chain crumbles.

Don’t invite Glug if you are having his former mate Praki who dumped him for that Neanderthal with the wheel.

When you request to have the meat removed, they’ll still charge you full price so at least your bank account feels like you’re eating a real meal.