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The meaning of life is being in a bathtub, no matter what the circumstances are. It’s joining a group to roll a beached whale back into the sea.
There’s no way I could have been dumped. I was in the prime of my life—I had a t-shirt for every major beer brand and I drove a Pontiac Grand Am.
You wouldn’t take away my memories just because all of your memories of Mr. Bawk Bawk are of the CEO standing over your wife’s lifeless body?
I am DIGGING the sounds and stinks coming from you two and am very excited to join in! I’ve been wagging my tail so hard it’s giving me a rug burn.
Howard and I both know the importance of symbolic gestures---have you ever ordered oatmeal at Dunkin’ or Starbucks? No. But you COULD!
And you charged me for all of it?! That’s over $15,000! Listen, I’m not made of that Tony Stark money
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.
Diamonds might be a girl’s best friend, but a heart-shaped blurry photo on printer paper is her other best friend.
Appetizer: Meat Yogurt -- What's the one thing moms love more than fruit? Duh, it's yogurt!
All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.
Adjusting the height of my desk chair is my therapy. Nothing says self-care like taking small measures to prevent repetitive strain injury.
Many of you hare aware of the plumbing issue recently discovered in the sacristy toilet, a situation Father David referred to as “a test of faith.”