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“You should smile more” – To remedy my resting bitch face, I am going to pull my lips apart with duct tape so that I will have a permanent smile.
"Fyre Fight": An anticipatory look back at the time-wasting Fyre Fest content wars of 2019.
10. U: Used by moms in texts across the world. And candy hearts. And Prince. I love Prince. I would die 4 U.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? You’re the kind of person who kneads dough for an unnecessarily long time to be sure the yeasts can't escape.
“I’m not racist,” I say, laughing. “The first guy who sexually assaulted me was white.”
I’m sorry I climbed a utility pole outside during halftime to hang a handmade flag with my team’s logo.
9:07 PM: You wonder if you were actually the one who made the comment about the band name and have been replaced by an Adam Levine. You’re not sure.
In the event of a water landing, beneath your seat is a compartment that contains a credit card application in a waterproof pouch.
"Senior": You’re over 70 and must get your pills organized in that little plastic box with the SMTWTFS lids.
Putting yourself into extremely dangerous situations isn't a sin. If you survive, your life is more exciting, but if you die, Jesus will be waiting.
We simply weren’t burning enough calories. That’s why we swapped it out for High Intensity Forever Training (HIFT).
I am the only one with fingers, so I have the job of breaking sticks in two and putting them in a pile. I have also been designated a “performer.”