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Honestly, I’m really totally fine being the one who gets his name mispronounced by a YouTube personality when we win an MTV Video Music Award.
But now I realize that’s actually a stupid plan and I have a new, better one: keep King Teti in this Earthly realm and also make him my boyfriend.
I was praying to God that maybe the reality show / would give my marriage more net worth / and make my partner feel like she had a purpose in life.
I’m five things: IT, chai-tea, yoga, Bollywood and the Taj Mahal. These are the only things I’m known for, thanks to you, America, my dear friend.
Thin Mint talks first. She looks healthy but is no longer the waifish figure from past boxes. Despite her added curves, she's lost none of her snap.
Who will have access to your computer after you pass on? Your girlfriend? Your niece? Your grandmother?
With the precision of a casino dealer cutting a deck of cards, I scooped two large scoops of vanilla ice cream and put them into the frosty mug.
The man you know as "Mike Pence" doesn’t actually exist. I'm just a guy who never got tagged out of an improv scene from 1979.
Can you feel that burn? Well, ignore it. That’s just one of the servants of Satan trying to enter your body through your navel.
The President shall enjoy full immunity while patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time.
I will be sure to keep you updated on all the social metrics. I still care about you, and the kids (our kids), and our social media numbers.
I have also been told by several superiors that I have "a lot of potential," and that they'd like to see my potential "put to good use."