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So why don’t you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and let me rock your world? Blast me straight onto this salad bar’s garbanzo beans.
Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam is about as dreamy as tropical birds get. Father McGillicuddy had a much harder time wrapping his brain around this one.
OMG Literally Dead Plant: The most common millennial houseplant, it comes in all varieties that ultimately end the same way---dead AF.
Relatedly, I’m currently embroiled in a legal battle to divorce myself from my siblings to guarantee that I cannot be made an uncle against my will.
I offended my hosts yesterday when I criticized their dining options. I guess they don't recognize a paleo guru when they see one.
I wasn’t just enjoying, but empathizing with contestants on The Bachelor. I shut it off and recollected my ironic self over a lukewarm Zima.
get red-hot, / a white meat babyface / I would always tease him / by calling him “Broccoli” / even if it made things worse.
I know you’re here because you read that Vice article that said our hedge fund is like the Wolf of Wall Street but with actual wolves. That’s true.
[God's pen is paused above the passage where Noah gets all fat and is lying drunk in a tent after surviving the flood.] ANGEL: Water balloon fight?
Drop your phone in the toilet: This makes you look cool, because every Millennial’s done it at least once in their aimless, self-serving lives.
"The Lonely Hand’s Solo; In Motion, 2017," for Ryan, whom I thought was waving but was not and does not recognize me and now I’ve made eye contact.
Are you the kind of person who carries a casket with a skip in their step? Have you shown enthusiasm for embalming roadkill since a young age?