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OMG Literally Dead Plant: The most common millennial houseplant, it comes in all varieties that ultimately end the same way---dead AF.
Relatedly, I’m currently embroiled in a legal battle to divorce myself from my siblings to guarantee that I cannot be made an uncle against my will.
I offended my hosts yesterday when I criticized their dining options. I guess they don't recognize a paleo guru when they see one.
I wasn’t just enjoying, but empathizing with contestants on The Bachelor. I shut it off and recollected my ironic self over a lukewarm Zima.
get red-hot, / a white meat babyface / I would always tease him / by calling him “Broccoli” / even if it made things worse.
I know you’re here because you read that Vice article that said our hedge fund is like the Wolf of Wall Street but with actual wolves. That’s true.
[God's pen is paused above the passage where Noah gets all fat and is lying drunk in a tent after surviving the flood.] ANGEL: Water balloon fight?
Drop your phone in the toilet: This makes you look cool, because every Millennial’s done it at least once in their aimless, self-serving lives.
"The Lonely Hand’s Solo; In Motion, 2017," for Ryan, whom I thought was waving but was not and does not recognize me and now I’ve made eye contact.
Are you the kind of person who carries a casket with a skip in their step? Have you shown enthusiasm for embalming roadkill since a young age?
The whole world would say, “they’ve got a sweet-ass rainbow shirt,” and they would erase all the biases they had previously held about LGBT people.
Einstein was a Ponytail Palm that my sister got me. Like the Einstein from Science, this Ponytail Palm had an eccentric intelligence, but no grace.