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The sweat starts pouring when they put you in the room to wait for your STD results. Even if you have nothing to worry about, the pits get a little damp. Such is fucking life.
Libya is like a hot fat chick. We want to mess around with her, but we're not comfortable admitting it to anyone. Libya is like our latest night booty call ever.
Public washrooms and the wilderness have a lot in common. They are both uncomfortable, scary, and teeming with microorganisms. Luckily, you have toilet paper on your side.
I've come to the conclusion that apart from the 'that shit can't happen' scientific aspect, a superhero could never make it in 2011, thanks to technology and Lady Gaga.
Google pays me $1,702.62 a week to stay at home and surf the web! Want to know how it works? Click the picture link that looks like a virus infecting your computer! DO IT!
A woman may be as beautiful as a jewel-encrusted diamond, but on the inside, she's as ugly as the elephant man swimming in a big fucking puddle of diarrhea.
Dear Match.com, I think it's time I join your piece of shit website. I was put on this planet to change your ugly member stereotype forever, which is why I'm requesting a free membership.
I have to walk half a mile to get to class twice a day. When the creepers and idiots are out in full force, I have a special routine for getting to campus without getting molested.
Why did female homo sapiens end up with curvaceous figures while our mammalian brethren can only gaze upon flat skin and droopy nipples? The answer is both complex and childish.
As a teacher, I often get frustrated when my students ask me the question, 'Why do we need to learn this?' So I finally forced myself to sit down and construct the ultimate answer.
Even worse than pointless status updates are ridiculous quizzes. Stop spending your Saturday nights trying to find out "What's Your Sexual Style."
This is my ultimate bucket list for my trip to the birthplace of democracy. If anybody feels the need to be the Jack Nicholson to my Morgan Freeman, applications can be submitted immediately.