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Ordering things online and choosing in-store pickup rips an irreparable hole in space-time. The two cannot co-exist.
DON'T: Share hats. Lice? Yuck. DON'T: Cough on your boss. This is a show of dominance and will show that you don’t understand the hierarchy.
Q: Do I have to call Pete Davidson "Dad"? A: No one will ever replace your biological father, but Pete Davidson will be around to keep your mom company.
Projections show that if the current situation is allowed to continue without intervention, the vibes at NASA could reach weird levels.
I always misplace the Post-it where you jotted down my password, leading me to wildly click around until something happens.
A demon with the head of a hamburger and the sash of an alderman materialized in my backseat. Flaps of hormone-infused beef formed his accursed lips.
The heat and the rain resulted in this season’s leaf color being a shade more subdued than in past years. But God, you’d think we killed Santa Claus.
Going forward, we’ll tap into the pre-made horror of adolescence. A time the healthiest among you have repressed.
Are you familiar with the phrase, “Living your best life?” Do you think that’s what is going on in here?
I’m 89 years old and I’ve literally never seen Heimlich's Maneuver happen, and I’ve eaten at hundreds of sloppy lobster restaurants.
What did any silverfish ever do to you? We’re barely able to stop ourselves from disintegrating into dust.
Everyone in the house could be pissing at the exact same time, which is something you could do if you wanted.