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As a chair on stage, they’re not expecting me to go there. They’re also not expecting me to be the one making the jokes.
Error: Place all scanned items in the bagging area, even the 50-pound bag of dog food. Figure it out. The rules of our game have been made very clear.
Four hours into this will have you wishing you traded in the hallucinogenics for something with a little more parmesan and a little less cow dung.
I know we’ve only got a few hundred words to work with. Surely, though, it wouldn’t take much to give me a bit more personality.
Original: Columbus routinely captured the people living there as slaves. Corrected: Columbus brought Western values to the New World.
I’m Donny Doublethink. I’m the wise guy who always holds two opposite and completely contradictory opinions at the same time.
I don’t think I’m selling myself short here. It takes a lot of skill to stack this many hats on top of each other.
This is on both of us: you put me in the position of being responsible for humanity, and I let my savior complex feed right into that.
It's a dog park, not Jurassic Park. Find somewhere else for your infernal Dogasaurus rex to run amok.
I'm not gonna be a cop about booze or weed or the occasional mysterious disappearance of a fellow resident.
I’ve read hundreds of lists of all the foods that I should avoid and it turns out you should avoid basically everything.
"The Boss Baby: Family Business" The baby, it enrages me. 9/10