By contributing writer J.B. Hour
For the first time in your life you’re going to read absolute truth. I’ve already proven that I know everything there is to know about men and women. Now I’m here to shed any doubt from the likes of you non-believers who feel my omnipotent knowledge can be disregarded as erroneous. I’ve even gone as far as to poll over 100 women on this particular subject just to prove that I already knew the truth I’m about to share with you. The fact of the matter is, I have insights into the human psyche that nobody else has, especially when it comes to women. It’s an obnoxious tragedy that I haven’t slept with over a million women yet. So without further ado, I give to you…
Women: De-Classyfied
1. Romance=Bullshit.
Most women will tell you they prefer to be romanced first, and fucked later. After talking to over 100 women I can safely tell you that this is a complete fabrication of the truth. The truth is, the ONLY reason women like to be romanced is that they don’t want you to think they’re whores. They want sex more than men, actually. If they were afforded the same luxury as men—and by that I mean their friends congratulated them every time they got laid—they would have their hands on more packages than UPS and FedEx combined.
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2. Women like to be touched, a lot.
When I say this, I don’t mean in the “just friends” kind of way. Women like to be handled at all times. You’ve probably noticed a lot of people in the recent past have been fired from jobs or even sued because they grabbed a woman “inappropriately” in the workplace. You may know some of these people or you may even be one of them yourself.
First of all, define “inappropriate.” The word inappropriate is as ambiguous as Clay Aiken’s sexuality. Actually, it’s not, he’s clearly heterosexual. It all boils down to one simple fact: women don’t want you to think they’re whores. If they were afforded the same luxury as men—and by that I mean getting high fives every time a set of hooters was grabbed—women would have more hands on them than a Twister board. Right hand green. Left hand hooters.
3. Women like it rough.
A common misconception is that women like to be handled gently. I’m sure your ex-girlfriend even tried to tell you that her nipples aren’t bottle caps, so you shouldn’t twist them like they are. This was just her way of using reverse psychology. Too bad your stupid ass fell for it. I know this because like I said, I’ve polled over 200 women. Guys, you need to get in there and twist the living shit out of those nipples. Deep down, women love it. Sure, they might yelp in agony when you do it, but that’s because they don’t want you to think they’re whores. If they were afforded the same luxury as men—and by that I mean showing their nipples in public without getting arrested—they would get more twists than Chubby Checker.
4. Women love dirty talk.
C…C…C…UNT. There, I said it. Contrary to popular belief, women can’t get enough of this word. As a matter of fact, women love all words people consider derogatory towards women. Slut is another one. When you’re “making love” to your woman, what she’s really thinking is that you’re “fucking the shit out of her.” Nothing turns a woman on more than hearing you call her a filthy gutter slut when you’re taking her from behind. The only reason women won’t admit this is because they don’t want you to think they’re whores. If they were afforded the same luxury as men—and by that I mean using profanity without being compared to Andrew Dice Clay—they’d be talking dirty more than Bill O’Reilly.
5. Women love to be surprised in bed.
You shouldn’t be surprised by this; after all, everything else you’ve ever thought about women has been disproved by this very article. Let’s face it, everybody likes surprises. We all know that one girl who says “I don’t like surprises,” but that’s because she’s a dipshit. What women really want is for you to pick a hole, and go for it.
A fun way to make them scream in ecstasy is to play a game I like to call “Skee-Balls.” It’s kind of like that game at the arcade where you roll the ball and try to get it in the top hole. This game is a little different though. Everybody closes their eyes and then you plunge forward. Each hole is worth a different amount. You can set a high score or even let your friends try—it’s endless fun. The only reason women don’t let you do this is because they don’t want you to think they’re whores. If they were afforded the same luxury as men—and by that I mean they didn’t care what came out of their assholes—they would be stopped up more than my toilet.
With this new knowledge, men around the world can now please their women without second guessing themselves. Like Samuel Adams, these are always good decisions.