This is a message to the people in Hollywood making movies who either lost their balls, never had balls, or have their balls out on layaway somewhere while the movie studios come out with another remake, "reimagining," or re-somethingthatsucks.
There's a lot I'd like to say to Hollywood right now, but I'm going to keep this short and to the point. Anybody who watches movies, used to watch movies, or talks about movies notices how much more sex, violence, drugs, and naughty words pop up in even the most childish films.
However, right now, only one issue concerns me: nutshots.
(This scene happens way too often in real life.)
That's right. Showing a male's testicles getting hit, punched, bit, crunched, kicked, slapped, flicked, clapped or anything else is making children think nutshots are both funny (which they are) and okay to do (which they aren't).
Yes, I, Casey Freeman, am calling for some movie censorship. Why? Because now that I work with children every day, my precious family jewels are constantly in danger. On top of that, my twin boys hang just at the proper height of most elementary schoolchildren's fists, a ludicrously painful combo.
If people in Hollywood actually had balls or actually raised their kids, they would understand that children copy things they see on the movie screen. Especially funny things.
I don't believe most kids comprehend what happens when Kung Fu Panda gets ninja-kicked between his legs and makes a ridiculous face. But these twerps see the result is Kung Fu Panda's funny face and people laughing.
So, Hollywood, do you know what happens? Children kick the dick of the first male they see with a white face and black circles around his eyes: me.
Do you know what happens next? I make a funny face, swear, groan and fall over. Just like in the movies. After that, little boys and girls laugh and laugh and laugh. Then they line up to do it again. Why? Because they're little kids, and they like the same joke repeated over and over and over again. Just think of how the identical "boner & poop" gags are used ad nauseum in the Madagascars, Shreks, Ice Ages, and My Organs and I series'.
After protests and ninny songs, Hollywood doesn't feature smoking cigarettes any more. But smoking never killed anybody! However, my testicles kill me about twice a week because some little turd saw on a groin punch on Power Rangers.
Just the other day a five-year-old girl in kindergarten hammerfisted my goods. The thing to do (I'm an expert on getting popped in the junk) is to make it not seem funny. To ignore it. This is a LOT easier said than done. Any male will instinctively grab his testes and groan for a little while. Nothing brings more joy to a child's face than the apparent agony of one of their teachers.
So when I cupped my kiwis, as they laughed, my students thought I needed to go to the bathroom. So they tried showing me to the john, while all I really wanted to do was tear their little heads and arms off, like I used to do with Lego people when I was their age.
Now, folks of LA, you're probably thinking, "What's the big deal? It's just a cartoon getting kneed in the hairy coin purse." Well, in case you were wondering, dudes need their packages if they're ever going to create more babies, and you need babies to fill the seats of your shitty children's movies. While it's likely too late for me (I'm not shitting you, I've been sack-stomped that many times), I think at least having the option to reproduce would be neat.
On top of that, you pig-buggering studio execs might think, "We're Hollywood. We don't understand how to come up with decent jokes any more. How are we going to make children laugh without hitting characters in the bean bags?"
I got that one solved: fart jokes. Or how about this gem? "Girls getting punched in the tits and/or uterus" (whichever is funniest). For far too long men have reaped the anti-glory of having their sexual organs mangled on the Silver Screen. I think it's high time women share the spotlight (and subsequent pain).
So I've given you some reason and alternatives, but how else do we fix this problem of nutshots sweeping the globe? Easy: No more nutshots in children's movies. Boom. There you go. Finished.
I'm sure any male not already singing castrato will thank you.
And so will I.
You're the worst,
kc