(I've got your back, America)
(Unfortunately, most of this story is true. I was really drunk for it, so I may have mixed some things up, but the essence of the tale actually happened. And yes, after ten hours of heavy drinking, I can be extremely civil. Years of practice my friends.)
Scene: Korean restaurant and bar. It's 6 a.m. after New Year's Eve/KC's birthday. A few Koreans sit around the place drinking and yelling—as they're wont to do. KC (American), HEE (Korean) and PEG (Canadian) and sit at a table eating some weird shit and drinking soju (Korean death alcohol) and carrying on a semi-coherent yet delightfully intelligent conversation.
KC: Hee, I'm pretty sure Abraham Lincoln was a baritone, so he'd be a great duet partner. And then you guys could bring stovepipe hats back.
HEE: I do not know what the hell you are talking about. Is the Abraham Lincoln the president who started the slavery?
PEG: No sweetie, he ended slavery. He's supposed to be the best American president.
KC: Peg, for a Canadian, you know a lot about American history. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln didn't actually get assassinated. It was a set up. He's really an alien ninja. Now he's back in time teaching the cavemen to write monster ballads.
HEE: How much of the soju did you drink?
KC: No idea. But I do know that I started drinking at 10:30. And it's like, next year already. So…
(Korean girl [Princess] comes to the table.)
PRINCESS (with English accent): Can I take your napkins?
KC: Go for it. Nice English accent by the way. I wasn't expecting that.
(Princess knocks over KC's beer.)
KC: Oh, haha. Now I'm going to need the napkins again.
PRINCESS: Sorry. I didn't mean to.
KC: Really, it's alright. My crotch is probably the only spot not covered in booze right now. So now I'm a perfectly soaked. Not a problem.
(Princess returns to her table.)
KC: So as I was saying, I have no idea what I was saying. Something about why I cleaned the water cooler with mouthwash and all our water tastes like toothpaste now? How the last few days have been like a money spending contest between my cash and credit? Or…
PRINCESS (to her table): Oh my God. I fucking hate Americans!
KC: Did she just say that?
HEE: Why would she say that? You were not mean to the her.
PEG: You don't need to put "the" in front of every noun, Honey. But yeah, that girl is crazy.
PRINCESS (to KC's table now): That's right! I fucking hate Americans! I fucking hate all of you and your fat fucking people and your retarded TV shows! Fuck you and go the fuck back to your fat fucking country! Fucking Yanks!
KC: Wow. You've been saving that rant for a while.
PRINCESS: Fuck you! Go back to your country and watch reality TV.
KC: And since you've been so kind, may I ask where you're from?
PRINCESS: A real country. Great Britain.
KC: Cool. And, may I ask what I did to piss you off?
PRINCESS: Where should I start? Your people are cunts. You've basically destroyed the entire planet. Your people are all fat and inbred and carry firearms and watch reality television. And you've started every major war going on right now. How's that for starters? Love.
KC: You figured me out. It's me. I've been shipping retarded American-made TV shows and McDonald's to all the countries in the world. Because that's how powerful and awesome I am. And I personally started wars in Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan and even a few more countries that nobody has heard of. But today, I just thought, "Hmm, instead of corrupting the world with my media and fast food, I'll come to some restaurant and bother people."
PRINCESS: Fucking Americans. You think you're so fucking clever. Guess what? The world hates you. I hate you. Go back to your country that you stole.
KC: Yeah, I forgot how diplomatic England is. You know, the whole India, Africa, Asia, Ireland, Australia things where you guys just started killing the indigenous people, and then started, I don't know, tea farms or something.
PRINCESS: You just don't get it, do you? You have no culture. You're a race of hamburger-eating mental cases that do nothing but bitch and watch telly all day.
HEE: Is the all English people like this?
PRINCESS: It's "Are all the English people like this?" you fucking cunt. Learn to speak English! We created the language! You've buggered it all up with your ugly American accents and inbred grammar. You don't even speak English, you speak American!
HEE: I'm Korean. I only learn English one years ago.
PRINCESS: Do the world a favor and don't learn it from this American asshole. Don't listen to a word he says.
KC: Honestly, I have no idea why you're so mad at me. You asked for napkins, I gave them to you. You spilled beer on my nuts, I said "whatever." You understand that not all Americans are alike.
PRINCESS: You ARE ALL ALIKE! Come to England and see real country, real people and real culture. Not reality TV.
KC: Holy shit. You must watch a lot of American reality TV, because that is all you talk about.
PRINCESS: Are you taking a piss? You have no culture. That's my point.
KC: I fail to see how fish ‘n chips, Monty Python and soccer hooligans are any greater than…
PRINCESS: It's called fucking FOOTBALL! You twat. You American twat. You Yankee American twat! You're the only bloody country that calls it soccer. I hate that word. It's football. Nobody plays your stupid fucking sports. They're boring and daft and every other bloody word.
KC: Oh yeah? Koreans love baseball. Cubans, Mexicans and Japanese love baseball. Hell, I hear every time there's an American football game in London, it sells out. So yeah, people do like our sports. Unlike cricket.
PRINCESS: You're awful at real sports. Like football. Real football. If you Americans…
KC: Oh yeah. Football, or soccer as it's called in the States. Didn't we tie you in the World Cup?
PRINCESS: …
KC: And didn't America win the World Cup group that England was in?
PRINCESS: …
KC: And didn't I, KC Freeman, the English teacher, score as many goals as Wayne Rooney, the English soccer-playing national treasure, did during the entire World Cup?
PRINCESS: It's not the. Still.
KC: Yeah, we tied you. Then, we beat you in the group, when every anti-American ref was taking back our goals, we still beat you. Is that what you're so mad at?
PRINCESS: …
KC: Because I know if my friends and I practiced and played a sport for years, decades, and grew huge boners every time we kicked a ball down the court or field or pitch or whatever, and then some rag tag guys who started playing a few weeks ago tied me, then beat me, that would probably piss me off too.
PRINCESS: We had an off year.
KC: I'll agree with you there. And I'll agree with you on some other things.
PRINCESS: Finally, an American with some sense.
KC: We may be the fattest nation, guess who's second? You. We may be the most in-debt nation, guess who's second? You? We may have retarded reality TV shows, but guess what? In America, we have an invention called the remote control, so when we are tired of watching a retarded TV show, we can change the channel and stop watching it.
PRINCESS: What about all the British music you Americans love?
KC: Hey, one of my favorite bands is the Sex Pistols. But again, The Ramones started punk rock years before they pretended to. I'm sure the shitty American songs you've heard are just as shitty as the shitty British songs I've heard. The thing YOU don't get, is a lot of our shittiest things get exported. There are plenty of American restaurants that will change your life, but you only know McDonald's because you just can't admit to yourself that there are American things that you like.
PRINCESS: And how do you defend when you dropped the atom bomb on Japan?
KC: Wow. You're swinging that one. Again, I know I'm old-looking, but that wasn't me. And in case you forgot, that was a fucking war. Shit happens. It sucks. We haven't dropped one since.
PRINCESS: Oh, the world is soooo bloody grateful you haven't bombed anybody with your nuclear weapons in thirty years.
KC: Actually that was 56 years ago. But nobody's counting.
(Princess' Korean friend comes in)
FRIEND: I am so sorry. She's really drunk.
PRINCESS: Do NOT apologize to him. He's an American. They're the rudest, filthiest, fattest people on the planet.
KC: Yes, and I just waltz up to strangers and insult them and their countries. But, cheerio. Nice chatting with you.
PRINCESS: Go start a war. (To PEG) And fuck you too, you American twat.
PEG: Pardon me, but I'm Canadian. And you're a bitch, no matter what country you're from.
KC: You know, we're taking applications for new states in the Union. Maybe I'll put a good word in for England and you can finally be relevant again.
PRINCESS: Ha. Bloody precious. When you go to sleep at night, just know that you've never done anything except kill innocent people and get fat.
KC: And, you know. Go to the Moon. Yeah. That was us. We were there first. Have you guys been yet?
(Silence)
KC: I'm not saying Americans don't do some weird shit, or that America is better than England. But never once have I seen an American walk up to strangers and yell at them for what their country has done.
PRINCESS: I still hate you.
KC: And that's nice. I know England has some redeeming qualities, but you personally, are not one of them. Luckily, I'm not such a dipshit to judge an entire country and its people based some biased stories from the BBC.
PRINCESS (while leaving): Fuck you!
KC: Send me a postcard when you've learned more English words.
FRIEND: Really, we must be going. I am so sorry. She's had a lot to drink. You seem really nice.
KC: As a matter of fact I am nice. And my country has landed on the Moon.
(Princess leaves. A few minutes pass by and she returns.)
PRINCESS: I just want to make peace. I think you'd really love London. You should visit sometime.
KC: As long as you're not there, I'm down. But as nice as you're pretending to be, you're not getting my phone number.
END