>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 79 – May 2, 2004
“Shouldn't You Be Studying Right Now?”
Now Playing: “Lap Dance” by The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
Today we begin the first thrilling entry in a three-part series about everyone's favorite subject, exams. Of course by “thrilling” I mean “more thrilling than reading about somebody's penis” and by “favorite” I mean “at least it's not about sex for once.” So put away those textbooks and notes you borrowed off the ugly girl you had to pretend to like because she actually went to class and enjoy this penis- and sex-free column, except of course for this introductory paragraph. Here's what happened:
-This week I finally got a new computer. I figured it was time, seeing as my old computer was a Commodore 63 that was purchased in the late Mesozoic era (1987). But this new computer, it's state-of-the-art. It's got “gigs” of “ram,” tons of “megahertz” (those are very large hertz) and so forth. And don't go telling me I don't need all that extra technology because I'll never use it, Mr. or Mrs. Smarty Pants. You should see how quickly those cards go flying when I beat Solitaire.
-It's exam time for college students across North America, which means that all across the continent young people are complaining about the scheduling of their finals. It doesn't matter what sort of schedule you end up with, you WILL be dissatisfied with the placement of your exams. I keep hearing people saying “This sucks. I have over a week between each of my exams. I wish I could just get them over with.” Or, on the other side, “This sucks. All my exams are on consecutive days. I wish I got a break between them so I could study.” Yes, the grass always seems greener on the other side. Which side is that? My side. I'm a fine arts student and therefore don't have any finals at all. Suckers.
-Quote of the Moment: While practically everyone I know was making one of those two arguments about why their particular exam schedule is worse than anyone else's, one of my friends came up with a truly original complaint: “I don't even care how much time I have between my exams. It's not like I'm going to study anyway. I just wish they wouldn't schedule them at the same time as the hockey game.” I'm glad to see at least one person still has his priorities straight.
-Don't any of you dare write in telling me that last joke wasn't funny because you don't like hockey. I don't like hockey very much either. And also there are plenty of other reasons it wasn't funny.
-When exam time comes around, the library always gets really full, to the point that it becomes impossible to find any place to sit and study. You'd think this would encourage people to stay home and study in their rooms instead, but it doesn't. “I can't study at home,” is the average college student's cry. “It's too loud.” And so, every spring, thousands of students migrate to the library like geese or pilgrims, whichever helps that simile make the most sense, in the hope of finding a quiet, unoccupied corner. God bless you, brave students of America. Say hi to Squanto for me.
-Having an exam tomorrow morning is no reason to avoid going to the bar tonight. I mean, let's face it, the most popular nightclub in town will still be less busy and provide a quieter place to study than the library.
-At some point in every college student's life, he will have to borrow notes for a class that was skipped. The most difficult part about this is selecting the ideal candidate to borrow notes from. The first step is to eliminate people who would have skipped class too, since they are obviously worthless slackers that you were probably forced to do a group project with and therefore never want to speak to again. Next, look for people who have a good grade in the class, but not too good, since the straight-A students don't tend to take notes at all, and instead prefer to sit in class and absorb the knowledge through photosynthesis. A solid B+ is ideal. Also, try to look for females, because if you actually get the notes off a guy his penmanship will look like some sort of poorly thought-out analogy that I will write before publishing this column. Hopefully it will be better than “Squanto.”
-Once you find the ideal candidate to steal/borrow notes from, you want to ask for them in the most diplomatic way possible. WRONG: “Hey biznatch, make photocopies of all your class notes so I can pass this god-awful class.” ALSO WRONG: “What's the only thing keeping me from committing acquaintance rape? Your notes!” RIGHT: “Hey biznatch, give me your notes. I'll buy you lunch.” Note that this only works if the girl doesn't have a weight problem. If she does, offer to buy her a bottle of Ipecac Syrup.
-I've heard of people who can only study while listening to music or watching television. “It helps me concentrate,” they'll say. I've never seen any of these people actually pass an exam, but they can name all the contestants on the Bachelorette and recite the Milkshake song verbatim. The sad thing is so can I.
-Do not ever, EVER, attempt to study (or read anything, really) while high. Sure, it sounds like a great idea, but it just doesn't work. You'll be sitting there concentrating deeply on your borrowed notes while listening to the Milkshake song in the background, and all of a sudden you'll realize you've been reading the same line over and over for the last three minutes. And then, all of a sudden, you'll realize you've been reading the same line over and over for the last three minutes.