Hangovers have a way of sucking the life out of people. For example, I woke up at the crack of noon today and asked my houseguests how they would feel if we went up to First Watch (a diner) and I bought us all breakfast.
The way they reacted, you'd have thought I asked them if they wanted an enema.
Anyway, this week's game picking guests are Ben and Dan. Ben has an MBA from the University of South Florida and Dan has five percent body fat. So they're definitely qualified to help out.
As always, HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
STEELERS (-10) over Bills
Dan says Roethlisberger had four touchdowns last week, and though neither of us can remember what team they played, we're pretty sure they were better than the Bills.
BENGALS (-6.5) over Browns
Me: What did you think of the Chad Johnson jacket thing?
Dan: I thought it was fucking stupid.
Where else but The Nate Way can you get insight like this?
Colts (-7) over TITANS
After consulting both Ben and Dan, I have concluded that this game is not funny. If anyone knows how many products Peyton Manning is endorsing this year, please enter such in the comment box. As I have no fucking clue.
Houston (+6.5) over PANTHERS
Dan called this the most interesting game of the week and added that he hopes to be able to watch it. We've got two teams that don't quite look as fucking horrible as advertised. We're all curious what will happen. Combine our curiosity with our hangovers, and we get a paragraph without a joke.
And for the record, Ben reeks like cigarettes and is sick of smelling himself.
RAMS (+3.5) over 49ers
Dan says that Steven Jackson will not have two shitty games in a row and Ben noted that the Niners beat the Cardinals by such a slim margin that they should be ashamed of themselves. I can't argue with that logic, not while this dehydrated.
Packers (+1) over GIANTS
Eli Manning is a little bitch.
JAGUARS (-10.5) over Falcons
After in-depth analysis and a lukewarm debate, we have come to the conclusion that Joey Harrington sucks balls. We don't make this shit up. We just observe and convey.
And Dan would like to add that Harrington sucks balls. Oh boy does he suck those fat balls.
Saints (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS
Quote from Dan: “Right now the only thing they're pirating is shame. Wait, pirating's a word, right?”
DETROIT (-3) over Vikings
Honestly, we have no idea. There are three people in this house and no one knows. Or cares for that matter.
Dallas (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
Two seconds. That's how long it took us to make this decision. And we haven't even done so much as open a beer that fast this weekend.
Seattle (-3) over ARIZONA
This spread is an insult to the hardworking people of Seattle. I hope that America's Line can live with themselves for spreading this nonsense all over the airwaves and forcing it down the throats of the general public.
(Side note: The noise from my keyboard has driven away Dan. It is “making my head hurt.”)
Jets (+10) over RAVENS
Me: Jets versus Baltimore?
Dan: Baltimore.
Me: By ten?
Dan: Ahhh? hold on a second. I'm having trouble remembering who Baltimore is. Oh yeah, the Ravens.
BRONCOS (-10) over Raiders
I thought this spread was too high. Ben and Dan thought the Raiders were too shitty. I'm going with the consensus.
BEARS (-12) over Chiefs
Just for the record, the novelty of my little blog has already worn off on my friends. They're in the living room, playing the guitar and yelling out responses to my shouted questions. Which I guess is kind of a metaphor for how boring this game will be.
PATRIOTS (-3.5) against Chargers
I guess my grade school teachers were wrong. Sometimes cheaters do win.
EAGLES (-6.5) over Redskins
Thanks to reader Rob (from Trenton) for pointing out that I missed this one when I originally posted. As if those high school girls badmouthing my haircut wasn't bad enough, now I can't even write my own blog. What can I say? I'm a horrible human being.
Last Week: 6-8-2
Overall Record: 6-8-2
USF Note: The Bulls have a bye this week. Hopefully, they're using the extra time to audition a few new kickers.
Labels: NFL_picks