The Hilarious, Fucked up Happenings of Last Night
(if you don't wanna read all of this, AT LEAST skip to Act III, Scene 1)
Act I, Scene 1: A Bar
Phil: Hey, that short girl over there is hot
Me: go hit on her
Phil: okay!
(Phil goes over, talks to Bitch #1)
(Bitch #1's friends #2 and #3 come over and talk to Shaun and I)
Enter Phil again
Phil: So, we've got to take them home.
Shaun: No way in hell
Enter #1 again
#1: So you guys are gonna give us a ride
Phil: Sure
Exeunt
Act I, Scene 2: Outside said bar
Me: So you've got a boyfriend
#3: Yes
Exeunt
Act II, Scene 1: A Pizza Place
Shaun: I'm really fucking glad we ditched those bitches, heh. They obviously were just looking for a ride home.
Phil: I thought she was into me, man.
Me: No way in hell does a girl come up, talk to you for 5 minutes then ask for a ride home…AND not tell you that she has a boyfriend. It's pretty cut and dry to me man. They all have boyfriends and they're trying to fuck us over
Enter Bitches+ 1 Boyfriend
Bitch #1: Hey! We found you!
Bitch #2: We still need a ride
Me: Okay, we'll give you a ride
(Nick acts like he's taking a call, acts upset that his “girlfriend” broke up with him, and calls a meeting outside)
(Phil, Shaun and Nick walk outside)
Me: On the count of three we run…1…2…3…
(The three run to Shaun's car)
Exeunt
Act III, Scene 1: Shaun's Car
Me: That bitch gave you her number right?
Phil: Yeah…
Me: Gimme your phone
(Phil hands Nick the phone)
(Nick dials girls…no answer)
Voicemail: You have reached ###-####, please leave a message after the tone
Me: (in Phil's voice): Hi, this is uh..Phil..and we're like sorry…our friend Nick left and we ran after him…but–
SIKE! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT. YOU THINK WE'RE THAT STUPID THAT WE CAN'T TELL WHEN A BITCH JUST NEEDS A RIDE. HAHAHAH. HEY SHAUN SAY SOMETHING
Shaun: BLAH!
Me: YOU HEAR THAT YOU STUPID CUNT? THAT'S DRIVER FOR “WE GOTTA RIDE”
AND YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE A DRIVER? CUZ I'M NOT A STUPID CUNT..AHHH-HAHAHAHA, AHHH-HAHAHA.
Voicemail:You have ten seconds to complete your message.
Me: TEN SECONDS?! WELL THAT'S FINE CUZ IN TEN SECONDS CAR TIME, I'LL BE ANOTHER HALF MILE TOWARDS HOME AND YOUR DRUNK ASS WILL HAVE BEEN 4 FEET. I HOPE YOU LIKE THE WALK, YOU STUPID CUNT! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
(Nick hangs up the phone)
Shaun: I think they just got owned.
Phil: They're gonna fucking hate me…
Exeunt
Yep, a valuable lesson indeed.