Here's a list of people I hate, including a little some special for you, if you're that person.
1. People who spend more than 3 minutes at the fucking ATM machine.
It's not a fucking TI-83. You are not plotting functions. Get your money or get the fuck out of line.
2. Hot girls who ruin their hotness by wearing Ug boots.
You are not a Norse God, whore.
3. Jersey fags who have pencil-thin facial hair around their jawline.
Joisee sucks ma fuckin' nuts. BA-DA-BING.
4. Guys who wear hats with stickers still on them.
Fuck the Yankees and fuck you too.
5. Uber-Christian girls.
If we're ALL sinners, then why the fuck are you giving me shit about my drinking habits? You take it in the ass. I don't care if he's your husband. It's still sodomy. You're still “sinning.” So, I'll see you in hell. And guess what? It'll be awesome.
6. People who don't smoke and care that I do.
Are you my mother?
Oh you are? That's a funny joke…
Well I would've thought this fine specimen would've been birthed from better genes.
7. People who cheat at Monopoly.
I know why you like to be the banker, asshole.
8. Dudes who get excited when you hit on their girlfriend.
Don't come up and try to hit me because I flirted with your bitch. Hit your bitch because she was responding to my flirting.
9. Gas station attendants.
GET A FUCKING JOB.
10. Fred Durst
GET A FUCKING JOB.
11. People who argue about which beer tastes better.
Everybody has their own fucking tastes. If dude likes natty; dude likes natty.
12. People with no sense of humor.
Read How to beat your wife
13. Anybody who has ever said rap is the best genre of music.
Consider this: mayonnaise has a higher IQ than you do.
14. Coffee shop faggots who wear turtlenecks and square-framed glasses and bring their Apple Laptops so that they can appear intelligent.
You're a contrived piece of shit.
15. Linkin Park fans.
You're not tough. You're an idiot.
16. Flamboyantly gay dudes.
It's fine to be gay; I have gay friends. I'll be damned, though, if I have to listen to you talk to those sorority sluts about your favorite episodes of Dawson's Creek, or how nice a warm dick feels in your mouth. Have some fucking class.
17. Kevin Pittsnogle.
Where is he now? Where is he now? Where is he now?
Answer: TRAILER PARK.
18. Most of the people from high school.
I'm not coming to the reunion. Why? Because I'm better than you.
19. Militant black people.
I'm not racist. However, you won't see me going around blaming a general group of people for the fall of humanity. (Well, see #30)
20. Fat women who call themselves “hefty hunnies” “thick” or “curvacious.”
You're FAT. You're FAT. You're FAT.
21. People who have a problem with the fact that I own a cat.
My CAT doesn't shit on my carpet or try to hump my leg. How about that dog you've got? Like getting pissed on? Do you need constant affection? I'm used to dealing with bitches and cats are the bitchiest of animals.
22. Professors who want you to repeat exactly what they said back to them in a paper.
You're a doctor, aren't you secure enough with yourself that you don't need to get your fucking ego stroked by 80 students?
23. Girls who call men “complicated.”
WE ARE NOT COMPLICATED. IF WE ONLY COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE DRUNK, WE JUST WANT TO FUCK. IF WE ONLY CALL YOU WHEN WE WANT TO FUCK, WE HAVE NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO YOU. WE DO NOT RESPECT YOU.
24. The Owners and Operators of Dontdatehergirl.com
Read this
25. Pussy-whipped friends.
Stop getting pissed if we make fun of you because all you do is hang out with your girlfriend. Stop getting pissed if we make fun of you for telling us how much you love her. There are rules to friendship and we are only abiding by them. In two months, she'll suck some Frat Guy's dick and break your heart. We don't enjoy seeing you cry. Or well, we sorta do.
26. Crooked mechanics.
I knew I could find a wheel for my car cheaper than $500, you slimy bastard. You better hope that when the world ends, I don't see you as I'm carrying my fucking flame-thrower around Morgantown.
27. Crackhead bums.
No you can't have a cigarette. No, you can't suck my dick for 4 dollars…well…wait a second…
28. Girl comedians.
You're not funny.
29. Plagiarists.
You're an asswipe.
30. Jews
You caused the fall of humanity. Sweet. (heh, jk. I love Jewish people; they bum me money with pretty good interest)
31. The “I'M YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD FRIEND-TYPE, FRIENDLY GUY, GUYS!” Dude.
HAVE A FUCKING OPINION, GODDAMNIT. STOP KISSING EVERYONE'S ASS. I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A OVERLY TACTFUL PUSSY. DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF. STOP LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU. GROW A SPINE. GROW A DICK. GROW SOMETHING, FOR CHRIST SAKE.
32. The “I'M GOING TO ACT INTERESTED IN EVERYTHING YOU SAY BECAUSE I'M A NICE GIRL!” Girl.
Oh, so you like Nirvana too? A lot? Really? What's your favorite album? You don't know an album by Nirvana, yet you like them that much? Not one? C'mon…Bleach? Nevermind? In utero? Anything? Wow, you're a phony bitch. I hate you.
33. The “Obvious Joke” guy.
Nobody thinks you're funny. You're not saying anything interesting if we all thought it in the first place. Using a “pussy” joke when talking about a cat? FUCKING HILARIOUS! Oh, and that one time you called that Richard guy “Dick” and laughed for ten minutes straight? THAT WAS COMIC FUCKING GENIUS MAN.
34. People who say “drink it!” if the beer pong ball accidentally goes in the water cup.
THE JOKE IS OLD. THE JOKE IS OLD. THE JOKE IS OLD. AND SO ARE YOU. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
35. Motherfuckers who steal ipods.
“I’ll liquefy your nose with a corroded soldering gun and give it to a bum on the street so he can trade it for some scotch or Keno. You might not be able to smell, taste or see, but you’ll be able to listen to my playlists: “Bubble Bath Jams” and “The Best of REO Speedwagon.” Exactly what you wanted, eh motherfucker?”
36. Guys who play John Mayer covers at Open Mic night.
WRITE AN ORIGINAL PIECE. WE KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT TO GET PUSSY. JOHN MAYER SUCKS AND YOUR LITTLE ACOUSTIC BULLSHIT ISN'T COOL EITHER. IT WASN'T COOL IN 99. IT ISN'T COOL NOW.
37. People who still support George W. Bush.
You are the reason this country has turned to shit in the last seven years. I believe you should be lined up in front the world's largest firing squad and shot 4 times. One in each kneecap. One in the dick/pussy. One right between the eyes.
38. People who say they like jazz and don't know anybody but John Coltrain.
You're a phony son-of-a-bitch. Why don't you go and suck off #14? You'd go perfectly together.
39. The lesbian girl who sits in the front of my American Lit class, overpronounces her L's, and overaccentuates every syllable to seem intelligent.
We're forming a small alliance to kill you. It's growing larger by the day.
40. People who think poetry is for faggots.
I'm down for a knife fight, call me when you're not too busy staying in the closet.
41. Credit card companies who call me looking for money.
No, I'm not here.
42. Dumbasses.
No, you can't play Asshole if you don't know the rules. No, you can't play Kings if you make fucking retarded rules. No, you can't talk to me; I'm too busy.
43. The DUFF (The dumb, ugly fat friend)
If your friend wants to fuck me, let her. She'd have more fun sucking on a scabby dick than she would listening to your bitching about loneliness.
44. Guys who make up rules MIDGAME OF BEER PONG.
You're a pussy. A fucking sniveling pussy. The rules were established before we played, if you can't handle that, go talk about purses with the girls.
45. Girls who don't say thanks when you hold the door for them.
I didn't hold the door for you so that you could be a raging whore. If there are two doors, I'm going to slam the next one in your ugly fucking grill. That'll teach you to appreciate a little something called courtesy.
46. People who rhyme “love” with “above,” “glove,” “dove” or “hug” in a poem.
If you want to write emo poems, write them in wrist blood in your bathtub.
47. “Too cool” Older guys in college.
I don't care what frat you're in. I don't care that you pull ugly ass everynight. I don't care how quickly you can drink a beer. You're 29 and still in college. Oh, you're planning on going to law school? Good luck finding a job when you're fuckin 44.
48. Guys who listen to music so loud you can hear it in the library/girls who talk on their cell phone in the library.
I'm studying for a test, goddamnit. I don't care if Zoey and Jimmy broke up. If they're as FUCKING MORONIC as you, I hope they broke up and blew their brains out.
49. The mom who refuses to discipline the screaming brat at the mall.
If you'll notice, I carry a tire-iron with me now. If you don't discipline the little bitch, I will.
50. Probably You.
I just don't like people, and you're probably a person. So, fuck you too.
That's all.