I Accept the Apology I Demanded From You
Now you know, you can't just sweep your problems under the rug and hope I don't build them up into metaphors for my failures as a parent.
Tag: Anger
There is Literally No Caffeine in This Espresso, And I Will Sit Here Shaking Until I Get a Refund
It's an awful feeling, receiving DECAFFEINATED espresso. Unfortunately, the world doesn't give you refunds on your feelings. I would know.
Everyone Ignored the Warning in My Lyrics, Now “Cotton Eye Joe” is Killing Again
Cotton Eye Joe killed my fiancé, and I tried to warn you about him by weaving the truth of his existence into the lyrics of a popular dance song.
My Son Wanted a Dog, So We Adopted Black Shuck, The Canine Harbinger of Death
Lucky, the dog I had growing up, was a living, breathing creature. Black Shuck, on the other hand, is a ghostly apparition fueled by bloodlust.
I am the Backwards Fitted Cap, And I Want Closure
I sit in your closet collecting dust, regretting that my only purpose was to fit your head and no one else's. What ever happened to loyalty?
Pissing on the Toilet Seat is a Sign of My Dominance
Other men see my pee on that white plastic horseshoe and know I'm in charge. That I'm an Alpha, and they are the weaker members of my species.
To the Guy Blowing Drunkenly into a Harmonica at 2:30 AM: How are You So Bad at This?
Here's the truth, "Harmonica Guy": I don't feel sorry for myself or my neighbors subjected to this audial torture, I feel sorry for the harmonica!
I Know Aliens are Real Because My Stepdad is One and I Hate Him
While I can't speak for aliens as a whole, Craxtavore, Conqueror of Worlds, is a total dick. I can't believe Mom doesn't see through his façade.
Suggested Responses When Someone Thanks You for Holding the Door at a Convenience Store
Responding to someone's "thank you" with a "you're welcome" that's tailored to a particular individual? That's the essence of humanity.
How to Ruin Someone’s Life Secretly or Publicly
Here are covert and public tactics to destroy someone that are much more effective and entertaining to inflict on your victim than physical harm.
Shut Up and Retire Already
I hate Irv, my 66-year-old co-worker who's retiring at the end of the month. He's been gloating about it since I started working with him 7 years ago.
Find Top-Rated Live Nativities at Churches in Your Neighborhood With This New Rotten Tomatoes-Style App
Just in time for Christmas, download "A Pilgrim's Weighty Choice" from the App Store and find top-rated, authentic local nativities!