Please Maintain 6 Feet of Social Distance as We, the Cops, Box You in from All Sides
That’s a “you” problem. We’re just here to box you in, we’re not here to tell you how to uphold your civic duty to not harm others.
Tag: Anger
I Am a Self-Checkout Kiosk, and You’re in This for the Long Haul
My operating system may look like it could run on a Fisher-Price, but don't be fooled by the over-sized print or intuitive icons. I am a UX terror.
Ken Burns Presents: Letters from the Privileged Quarantine Homefront
Dear Ma, It's bad out there. The Trader Joe's frozen aisle was completely decimated: no cauliflower crust pizza in sight.
Donald and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Pandemic
At night, my bath was too hot, I got hand sanitizer in my eyes, and I had to isolate in my presidential railroad-train pajamas. I hate those pajamas!
Why We Decided to Keep Our PPP Loan
So why is Potbelly keeping your hard-earned taxpayer money? Because you all will fucking forget the second you’re allowed outside, that’s why.
Update to the Henchman Health and Benefits Plan
Gold Plus-tier now has copay-free pharmaceuticals to treat any gases or poisons accidentally released from the many easily accessible air vents.
Father, Why Hath Thou Forsaken Me, the Sock at the Back of the Drawer?
You refuse to wear me because of my stale odor but you refuse to wash me for I have not been worn! This chaotic torment tears my mind asunder!
Reality Competition Shows for Complete Psychopaths
Project Runaway Train: Designers are placed on trains careening toward the edge of a cliff at groundbreaking speed.
I’m the Exclamation Mark in Your Work Emails and I’ve Had Enough
You’re that fired up about Gabe’s oatmeal raisin cookies in the break room? You’re not fooling anybody that you “dream about those bad boys!”
The Five Stages of Grief for When You’ve Found a Magical Pot of Gold, But Keeping It Means Being Relentlessly Hunted by a Wee Murderous Irishman
DENIAL: Maybe this isn’t even a legitimate cursed pot of money. ANGER: But--fairy fortunes don’t usually come with a blood curse!
Help! My Head Is Being Consumed by an Octopus, But the CDC Says I Can’t Touch My Face
I’d ask someone to save me from this giant octopus, but how do I know their hands aren’t contaminated?
Listen Up, Peons: A Statement from the Queen
It is true that I carry a mobile phone, which I use to stay in touch with my grandchildren. It is not true that I use it to play Candy Crush.