Unlike My Medical License, My Friendships with My Patients Are Real
My patients are my best friends. Where would I be if they hadn't let me crash on their couches after the mob found out I'm sleeping at my office?
Tag: Animals
Hollywood Launching Cinematic Universe About Fruit
Citrus: Blood Orange: An orange (Liam Neeson) will team up with soil (Leonardo DiCaprio) to unravel why other oranges in the grove are exploding.
Conch Shell Opens Up During a Weekend in the Hamptons
One time I was forced to watch my snail body get boiled, made into a ceviche soup, and served to a family of blondes on their backyard tennis court.
A 49-Year-Old’s Thoughts While Walking the Dog
Maybe I’ll save a kid from drowning by jumping from a bridge. A local hero, on the news...wait, no one under 70 watches the news: trend on Twitter.
Aesop’s Fables, Updated for a Capitalist World
Thinking he'd overtaken the tortoise in the race, the hare took a nap under a tree. He was right to sleep, given his Adidas UltraBoost running shoes.
Discovery Channel Presents “Naked and Afraid: Game of Thrones”
Featuring almost as much nudity and survival-based killings as the smash-hit HBO series, this is sure to be the can't-miss reality show of the year.
Who’s the Ultimate GOAT: Jordan, LeBron, or These Baby Goats Standing on the Backs of People Doing Yoga?
Michael and LeBron do not like mountain climbing. They’re just not any good at it. Conversely, Baby Goat can scale a mountain like nothing.
Never in 145 Million Years Will I Regret Building a Family Fun Park Filled with Prehistoric Killing Machines
Off you go, all of you including my two precious grandchildren! I’ll be staying here in the visitor’s center, experiencing the wonder vicariously.
Tips for Owning a Birdhouse
Do not launder money through your birdhouse. It is a crime punishable by penalty of not getting to have a birdhouse anymore.
How Not to Be a Shitty Witch in New York City
Know which spell you’re going to cast on the deli counter guy before you get to the front of the line. It’s unreal that some of you still do this.
I Was Cool With the Rat Living in My Apartment Until I Found Out He Was Running a Pyramid Scheme From Under My Stove
“I see what you were doing. Building up my trust so that one day, you could get me involved in your little scheme too,” I said, holding back tears.
When Dog God Spoke to Moses, A Neighborhood Pug
If I get cream cheese on my nose, don’t dare lick it off, for The Lord Your Dog is a jealous Dog when cream cheese is nigh, and whipped cream too.