As a “Short King” Please Understand I Am Duty Bound to the Magna Carta
Con: Quite frequently we will have leave during movie night to oversee the search for knights and an exorcist.
Tag: Featured
The Letter D Wishes You’d Stop Calling the Alphabet “The ABCs”
“The ABCs” isn’t even a good name. I don’t really see the draw.
Mrs. Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Routine
Attempt to wash as baby breakfasts upon me and Mr. Franklin inquires as to where I’ve hidden his double spectacles; point to spectacles on Mr. Franklin’s face.
Aliens Exist… and They’re Freaking Babes
Atheists say there are no higher powers, but the first time you see a Neptoid’s sponges you’ll realize atheists don’t know shit.
Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up? The Guys Registered Another Offshore Financial Subsidiary in My Name
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.
The Ernest Hemingway Cinematic Universe
For the shoes had been created in a supernova by the malevolent god Aernus, and radiated a power that could be worn by no man, let alone a child.
These Are the Shoes That Will Solve Everything
They are also ethically made, but somehow cost $12. These shoes make me look both mature but playful, demure but bold, casual but elegant.
We, the Manufacturers of the “Gargantuan Gary” Action Figure, Would like to Extend Our Deepest Condolences
It is beyond comprehension to many of us at Spaz headquarters that our new eighty-foot-tall action figure could be the cause of such an accident.
We Are a Fancy Restaurant, and We Are About to Dim the Lights
Darkness provides ambiance. Your food will look mysterious. Changing burned-out lightbulbs is a chore we just don’t want to do.
I’m Your Childhood Boy Band Crush, and I’m Finally Available to Date You
I still have all 327 of your fan letters from 1997--kick-ass Lisa Frank stationary, by the way--and I’m sorry it’s taken so long to respond.
For Sale: Charming 2 Bed/2 Bath Cape Cod with Paul Reiser Room!
This room also differs from other rooms in the home in that it features multiple bronze Paul Reiser statues bolted directly to the floor.
A Being of Supreme Intelligence from Outer Space Has a Few Questions About the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Okay, first of all: do you know Lisa Rinna? And is she nearby? Ideally I’d be talking to her. We Enlightened Ones worship her as a god.