My Client Would Never Rob a “Noodles & Company”
Is it even a crime to steal pasta? Oh right, it is.
Tag: Featured
A Republican Politician Explains Abortion While Being Attacked by Lions
But please whisper these questions. I fell into this lion’s den at the zoo and the lions are sleeping. I want to keep it that way.
The Fundraising Bots Are Planning a Heist
George Clooney here, I’m reaching out as a supporter of the Democratic party. Your time is valuable, so I’ll be blunt. We’re going to rob a casino.
You Thought I Was Just Some Dad, Until I Did One Bad Pull-Up on These Monkey Bars
Now you’re thinking, “Wait, is that kid’s sexy childless uncle visiting from somewhere cool like Denmark?”
My Halloween Costume Is Just Regular Clothes, but I Expect You to Guess What I Am
Fine, I’ll give you a hint: It’s a fictional human character from film, TV, video games, literature, or social media of the past 100 years.
Updated Professional Wrestling Gimmicks for the Gig Economy
The renowned Etsy enamel button maker takes on his evil counterpart, the mysterious masked man known as the Deviant Artist.
You’re Caught in a Bear Trap? I’m Not Falling for That Again
“I am caught in this bear trap and I’m in grave danger” is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Tight up there with “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
Dispatches from My Dad’s Visit to a Civil War Battlefield
Just glancing at this green expanse makes me burst with joy. It is the same feeling I had on my wedding day, and on the day you were born.
I’m Sorry My Newsletter Is Late
Let’s pray this doesn't happen a third time. For peace of mind, I encourage you to hug your loved ones, renew your passport, liquidate assets, etc.
Frequently Asked Questions About Our New AI-Powered Spaghetti
SpaghettAI involves unfathomable computing power, a series of data centers in Tuscany, and a gargantuan tub of tomato sauce in the metaverse.
Announcing My Seasonal Transition to Fairweather Friend
Fairweather Friend Season commences with the onset of colder temperatures, and/or bird migration, and/or closed-toed shoes.
What My Next Week Would Have to Look Like for This Swiss Army Knife Purchase to Be Worth It
As the sun sets on the horizon, I use the bottle opener to crack open some ice cold beers and bond with my shipmates.