No, I Didn’t Name My Child Michael Jordackson So He’d Aspire for Greatness as an NBA Player or World-Renowned Musician
I just happen to like the smooth sound of “Michael Jordackson.” It’s got a nice ring to it.
Tag: Featured
Seven Ways to Stop Me Before I Start a Devastating Religion
Walk out: Just leave en masse. Once you're a healthy distance away from me, there will be no one to support my Multi-Level Marketing Religion.
A Lecture on Women’s Health at Any Medical School
Contrary to popular belief, women do not possess one utilitarian opening for all of their bathroom and reproductive functions, like ducks.
FAQ About Your Genetically Engineered Baby
Is it normal for my baby to be eight feet tall and have laser eyes? It depends on whether or not you bought the deluxe model.
Unbiased Yelp Review That Has Nothing to Do With the Fact the Restaurant Wouldn’t Accommodate My Sloth
The restaurant would tell you that a lot of my experiences were colored by my sloth, but I disagree. This could happen to anyone, even the slothless.
If You’re Here to Party, Put Your Hands Up for a Quick Head Count for the Fire Marshal
There are just too many beautiful people here tonight! No, really. There are actually too many of you and roughly ten to fifteen people have to leave.
You’ve Barely Touched Your Mid-Heist Carrot Sticks and Hummus
I didn’t help break into the Banco de España to see these delicious snacks I’ve generously prepared go to waste.
Human Sunbathing Explained to the Aliens
No, the sun does not have any terrestrial healing powers, but it can fry your skin and inflict life-threatening disease.
An Oral History of Your Conception
Jerry Kaufman (Your Dad): Did I think we were going to conceive a child during the Insurance Adjusters of American Convention? No.
Boy, That Guy, I Tell You
He ruffles my feathers. He overcooks my sunny-side-up eggs. You know what I mean? Really Mondays my Garfield.
Common Complaints About Our Clones
My clone is always ill. Plus, our clones are deficient in blood, because we didn’t give them enough blood, so they are often woozy.
I Am Going to Yell
I am going to yell into a pillow. I am going to scream in an empty car. I am going to throw a full tantrum in the grocery store cereal aisle.