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Our menu? Menu…. Oh, the "menu"! Yes, sorry, didn’t follow what you meant at first. We can’t remember the last time someone actually asked for that.

A bank teller overeager to waive overdraft fees on my debit card in an attempt to maintain our relationship.

I do take issue with whoever claimed the domain liveauctionfor115belleview.net and started an all-out bidding war for my family’s home.

If you pat me on the back, I’d prefer to feel like it’s because I earned it.

Every Tuesday during that weird evening time slot where nobody you call picks up we’ve been coming here to air out our grievances away from you.

When I was four, I knew I was in my prime. Solidly potty trained, only three teeth missing, able to draw both unicorns and school buses.

Kevin’s voice sounds like Dad’s. Except it cracks walls and sets off car alarms, and also he accidentally stepped on a school bus.

While UBO might not be part of the “Ivy League,” it is part of something called the “Platinum Preferred Double Points Club."

Day 2,121: In my book, only cowards change their email when a better and more convenient option becomes available.

And she did reply, "No, they are of no concern to us. Let them wander in the desert. We shall begin… Project Babylon."

If you care deeply about results and have at least four buddies named Tyler, we can’t wait to meet you.

As you level up, possible life paths include True Crime Podcasting and Stay-At-Home Child.