Yet Another Democratic Debate Drinking Game
If Andrew Yang offers to give away more money at random, go ahead and make a pitcher of margaritas.
Tag: Future
So You Bought a Time Machine
Unfortunately, the use of our XR line to assist in a murder of anyone is strictly prohibited.
My Summer Internship Working for Dr. Mercurius Krunth, Mad Scientist
TIME Magazine once called Dr. Krunth, “a man mad enough to think himself a God while doing the work of the Devil.” All summer I would call him “boss.”
Our Inspiring Professor, the Duolingo Owl
I could tell he wasn’t like our past professors. There was a glimmer in his eye, a look that seemed to say: “I have had adventures with horses.”
If Your 2020 Campaign Ad Culminates in a Swell of Patriotic Music, I Will Vote for You
That’s it. No need to risk making promises you can’t keep or guarantee sweeping policy reform that is realistically unattainable in the short term.
New Words for Complex Emotions in the Age of Trump
Quitticisim (kwit-??siz?m): The paralyzing decision to either delete or refresh Twitter every thirty seconds.
Out-of-the-Box Ideas for Combatting Climate Change Since We’re Probably Doomed Anyway
Flood solution? Plastic bags. Let’s collect them all and combine them into one giant, country-crossing, water-catching, plastic bag.
Entrepreneurial Tormenting Strategies for the Enterprising School Bully
Forcing a dork to do all your homework for you and then not even turning it in, slowly introducing the concept of nihilism into their worldview.
I’m Sorry I’m Only an Attempted Murderer
Your family has a long legacy of murderers, and you hoped to marry one yourself. You envisioned a picture-perfect life as a convicted murderer’s wife.
Ugh! You’re an Entrepreneur! Now What?!
Have any special skills? Call those “in your wheelhouse”--it shows you love baseball but are also serious. Don't have special skills? Doesn’t matter.
Chef Boyardee’s Last Hurrah
I present to you The Chef Boyardee Fuckayous, a meal that speaks for many immigrants (like myself) who are being deported from the United States.
I’m Running for President to Improve My Dating Profile
Yes, as of last Tuesday when Giselle dumped me, I decided to become a candidate too.