A Victim’s Guide to Summertime Water Safety
They must be swimming in one of the Great Lakes. This guide does NOT apply to the lesser Finger Lakes.
Tag: Guides and Listicles
Quarterback Audibles Around the In-Laws
How can someone from Nebraska not want to talk about football, like, at all?
A Guide to Avoid Being Mugged for Dummies
Keep all your pockets slick with oil. You can humiliate them further by saying, "What's the matter bud? Can't get a grip?"
Young Wives’ Tales
If you break up with a man, you'll get a text message. If you break up with a woman, you'll get an Edible Arrangement and a Babeland gift card.
Translation Guide for Our Company’s Return Policy
"Print out a prepaid shipping label." We’re aware there’s no logical reason for a partly-employed 24-year-old to have a printer.
Guy Who’s Been Going to the Gym for One Week Answers Your Questions
How do I use this machine for exercise? Just sit back and push up on the sad branches/robot arms, letting the weight fall back down with a loud SLAM.
Your Personal Branding Focus Group Report
Everyone agreed that you are fatally lacking any brand whatsoever. The days of "hanging loose," and "taking it as it comes," are long, long gone.
How to Write About Your Anxiety Instead of Actually Dealing with It
Sure you have been up since 3 AM, counting the hours before you cry in the bathroom on your lunch break. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell others how to live.
A Ranking of Pigs by Whose Heart I Most Want as a Transplant
Hamm from "Toy Story": Manufactured from plastic, Hamm should be the last option on anybody's transplant list.
Five Tips for Being Locked in a Trunk
I’ve been locked in a trunk so many times I’m startin’ to think I’m a set of jumper cables!
Five Ways to Convince Your Friends That Your New Apartment Isn’t Haunted
Now when you pop your bones from their sockets so you can scuttle across the floor like a spider, you will be met with clapping instead of screaming.
Spider-Man Movies Ranked by the Severity of Pain I Experienced Passing a Kidney Stone During the Screening
Widely considered the apex of the Spider-Man films, the first sequel is also significant because its release coincided with the passing of my second kidney stone.