My Non-Survival Plan for the Zombie Apocalypse
I will complain about my shin splints roughly four times a day. I know my chiropractor will already be a zombie by that point (R.I.P. Dr. Gordon).
Tag: Guides and Listicles
Geppetto’s Other Marionettes That Didn’t Come to Life
Blonde Pinocchio was a blatantly transparent attempt for Geppetto to cash in on the notoriety of his most famous creation.
Ten New Year’s Resolutions from a People Pleaser… Unless Ten Is Too Many, I Can Do Five Instead, It’s Really No Trouble
I resolve to say "No" more often to things like babysitting around the clock for my friends.
New Year’s Resolutions with Enough Wiggle Room to Ensure Keeping Them
I will run a mile every morning… but if my knee is acting up, I will walk instead… unless it’s raining, of course… or even drizzling...
Rules for Enjoying Edith Peckhurst Memorial Park
Use of this park is at your own risk. Such risk will not be assessed, even though this neighborhood has the highest population of actuaries in the city.
Christmas Songs Detailing the Sordid Saga of Santa’s Elfskin Boots
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) Hush! Santa will hear our plotting, He’s gone mad, brain is rotting. We should organize a coup, Before he makes new boots from you.
How to Wrap Your Gifts to Make It Look Like You Spent Time Thinking of What to Buy
Strategic Rips and Tears in the Packaging: Claim that the present must have gotten damaged in transit due to it being shipped from a far-away exotic place, like Hartford.
Hallmark Holiday Movies Rejected for Being Too California
This is where she bumps into rakishly handsome high school sweetheart Rattlesnake, whose cannabis farm has fallen on hard times.
Gifts from a Childhood Friend That Hint at Long Simmering Resentments
A hammock. Hanna, you know a hammock is a death trap because you laughed hysterically when I fell out of one in 7th grade at Trevor’s birthday party.
How to Construct Your Top 10 List of Books You Read This Year
4. Classic from the literary canon that you just happened to casually reread recently. Because, everyone knows, you were an English major.
Decor Themes to Elevate Your Airbnb
Make entering your Airbnb a confrontational experience. Rude, even.
New Rules to Turn Our Annual Whamageddon Game Up a Notch This Year!
If you hear Wham!’s “Last Christmas” at Trader Joe’s, stop shopping immediately and guzzle a 32 oz. carton of eggnog. Post #Whamanogageddon!