How to Grocery Shop When You’re Too Fucking High
The first thing you will notice is that there are a lot of sober people at grocery stores. Can they tell you’re stoned?
Tag: Guides and Listicles
How to Bake Humblebrag Pie
It’s so easy! Even Adam Driver baked a humble pie when he came over my large home today.
5 Ways to Answer the Question, “But Where Are You Really From?”
Humorous: Suggest, as a possible place of origin, "Yo momma’s ass." Smile to indicate that you are "just kidding."
How to Talk to Your Child About the Prophecy They Must Fulfill
Discovering that he was born into a secret society who are defending the Earth and influencing world events may be difficult for your son to process.
How to Make Him Come So Hard He Turns into Al Pacino from “Scent of a Woman” and Yells “HOOAH!”
Next thing you know you’ll be tangoing in the sheets yelling “HOOAH!” like the blind retired army veteran Al Pacino won the Oscar for portraying.
Various Life Crises You Will Undergo
Quarter of a Quarter Life Crisis: Age 6. You will cope by throwing tantrums before bedtime and refusing to share your trucks with Jeremy.
5 Moments at Grandpa’s Funeral That Were, In Retrospect, The Wrong Time to Set Up My LuLaRoe Pop Up
Grandpa would have appreciated that I identified the lighting near the casket as the best to showcase my stunning collection of floral maxi skirts.
How to Plan Your Totally Jacked, DIY Vasectomy
1. Avoid the hospital. Doctors are for women, children, and Abercrombie & Fitch shoppers. You’re a man with capable hands and DIY spirit.
Stages of Grief That You, A Prospective Homeowner, Will Have to Process Before Accepting Your Fate and Becoming a Mole Person
Obsession: Refresh Zillow every three minutes. Ignore texts from your friends. Optimize your meals by blending your food & sipping it from a thermos.
How to Absolutely and Utterly Bomb at an Open Mic
If you hear a man joke, “I’m a real feminist because I would never tell a woman to smile; I yell at them to frown,” then you’ve found the right crowd.
Eating Out: 7 Understandably Regional Delicacies
Hawaiian Nachos are not your traditional nacho. If you ask for fresh guacamole, expect a bowl of homemade wintergreen toothpaste.
How “Reservoir Dogs” Helped Me Overcome the Generational Trauma of My Snitch Family
The men and women in my family took to snitching. My grandfather was known as the Irish Elvis because he would sing to the cops about anything.