Some Complaints I Have with the Garden of Eden
Too much fruit: I've eaten six tons of papaya, 3,500 grapefruits, 0 apples, 700 oranges, more grapes than I can count, and a plethora of colorful berries.
Tag: Guides and Listicles
Seven Ways to Stop Me Before I Start a Devastating Religion
Walk out: Just leave en masse. Once you're a healthy distance away from me, there will be no one to support my Multi-Level Marketing Religion.
More Honest, Useful, and Specific Netflix Categories
Reboots that have pulled child actors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars of gambling debts.
Every Time, Ranked by Lateness
5:00 AM – Catching the sunrise? Driving to hockey practice? This is the third least-late time ever invented!
Post-Coital Word Choices, Analyzed by WordleBot
“YIKES” Really? Of the 2,309 possible Wordle solutions out there, this is not the one we would have picked to say to our partner.
Episode Titles and Descriptions for a New and Overlong True-Crime Series
Experts discuss the latest lake tragedy: the uptick in water quality issues of Pennsylvania’s second-largest lake due to an increase in boat usage!
Why Our New Ad Campaign Only Targets Reptilian-Human Hybrids
The government began funding the reptilian-human-hybrid breeding program in the late 1940s. The perfect age to discover the wonders of retirement living.
A List of Apologies to Establishments from Which I Have Been Banned
Winkler Field in Saratoga: I’m sorry I repeatedly yelled, “I want that kid checked for steroids, he’s a steroid junkie” after a player hit a double.
9 Amazing Vacation Destinations to Check Your Work Email
Pro tip: bring a parasol to reduce the glare on your laptop screen when you’re checking Outlook for five minutes, just one more email, OK babe?
The Top 10 Numbers from 0 to 9
Seven puts an end to the question, “Can a number outstay its welcome?” with a resounding, eye-rolling yes.
How to Parallel Park While Barely Clinging to Your Masculinity
Would you look at that… So typical of a Lexus to take up as much room as humanly possible. Total road hog.
12 Moments You Thought You Could Forget, but Your Phone’s Photo “Memories” Function Won’t Let You
That time you got your first martini at the airport and took a pic for the group chat before tasting it and realizing you hate martinis.