To Be President of Amtrak, I Must Start as the Restroom Cleaner
At corporate events I will talk about my roots: "50 years ago, I was hired by this fine company to clean the restrooms on the Merced to Oakland route..." and so on.
Tag: Jobs
The Art of Head Faking Your Boss
With boss man bearing down on you, tilt your head to the left. His head will follow yours. Wait ten seconds. Hold the tilt like you would an ice cream cone.
Career Aptitude Test (And Definitely Not Just Recruitment Material Sponsored by Ocean Spray Cranberries, Inc.)
Would people describe you as: A) a creative free-thinker with an "outside the box" mentality, B) a process-oriented manager focused on the big picture, or C) a cranberry farmer?
Our Dissident Art Needs Continued NEA Support to Expose the Meaningless Striving of People with Regular Jobs
In-your-face artists who reject truth and beauty (but will never clean up their own mess) deserve federal support because they are more creative than you.
You Didn’t Get the Job, But I Think We’d Make Great Friends
Unfortunately, we've decided to go a different way. But we honestly did enjoy our conversation and I was wondering, do you want to hang out sometime?
How Parents Set Babysitters Up for Failure
As a community service, allow me to dive into some hour-by-hour trends I’ve noted on the typical Friday night babysit, with a few tips for dealing with those trends.
Just Because I Hallucinated While Serving You Chinese Mall Food Doesn’t Make You Better Than Me
The moment you mispronounced "Szechuan chicken," all of reality froze as if someone had hit the pause button on existence.
7 Incredible But True Dog Facts That Won’t Save You From the Completely Unforeseeable Collapse of the Coal Industry in the US
Incredible but surprisingly true dog facts that will in no way whatsoever save you from the fallout of the coal mine closing in your community.
10 Ways to Use the Holidays to Harness the Power You Can’t Get From Your Horrible Job
A holiday party is the perfect opportunity to quiet your anxiety and self-loathing by making others say "How does she do it?!"
Pete’s Wood Employee of the Month: Mr. Hymen Clit
Mr. Hymen Clit serves as custodian here at Pete's Wood, the only lumber furniture factory utilizing only the biggest and hardest wood for superior furniture.
When I Started This Business, I Never Imagined Working for Myself
I had forgotten one important factor that may determine the outcome of my business: when it comes to work, I suffer from dissociative identity disorder.
Did You Not Wash Your Hands After Pooping on the Boss’ Desk?
Gary, I've called you into HR today not because you defecated onto Mr. Peters’ desk, but because you clearly didn’t even make an attempt to wash your hands afterward.