24 Hours in the Life of a Neurotic Humor Writer
From 8am cereal to 4am sleeping pills, and every flopping dick, hot girl on a treadmill, and shaken beer in between, it's a minute by minute recap of a day in the life of observational humor on crack.
Tag: Observations
Starbucks’ Big Invention
The Starbucks 'Coffee Lid Sip Hole Plug Stopper Starbucks Lid': an ultra-clever little mass-produced piece of plastic designed to plug the tiny little two centimeter hole that you're SUPPOSED to drink your coffee from. Way to go, invention nerds.
I Will Demonstrate My Excitement at This Concert by Throwing Shit!
As the concert begins I will become much too over-stimulated for my own good. It is then that I will demonstrate my appreciation for the present moment by throwing shit. What kind of shit will I throw? All kinds of shit.
We the Drunk Chick of the United States of America
We, the people, are the drunk chick at the bar. We are expected to do very little, except pick the politician who promises us the best stuff, and then get fucked by him later.
Questions I Have About the Two-Headed Teen(s) from Minnesota
How does dating work? Do they look for one guy they both find attractive, or two separate guys? What if one doesn’t find the other’s boyfriend attractive, can she object to sex?
Stop Being a Virgin
Don't be sucked in to a chastity cult that treasures their virginity. A virgin is a horrible, horrible thing to be. If you are a virgin, please stop being it.
A Brief Analysis of Stupidity
Since by my estimate the average person has the intelligence of salad dressing, it shouldn't be a shock to see people do stupid things. But it never fails.
No, I Will Not Eat at Applebee’s, Thank You
To me, Applebee’s represents the muddling down of all cultures, to create meals that cater to everyone, and in doing so satisfy no one.
Sarah Palin Makes Me Want to Lay Pipe in Alaska
To put it mildly, Sarah Palin makes me want to lay pipe in Alaska. And if she's not up for getting freaky the Washington way, let’s hope her pregnant daughter is.
Poetry to Feel Uncomfortable By
Cringe your face, roll your eyes and squirm in your seat to poems like "The Vomit Look," "Erection at a Funeral" and "Sorry I’m Late, There was Heavy Sex Traffic."
The Self-Checkout Movement
Relieve overburdened employees and join the growing volunteer program at grocery stores everywhere: the self-checkout line!
Cerebral Blue Balls
The American Dream isn't as far off as you think. Just stick to slothfulness and the unearned judgment of others - that’s our generation’s legacy.