Passages from My Nine-Year-Old’s Journal That Prove He’s Possessed by Walt Whitman’s Ghost
O’ empty day in the bore of my classroom. Today Miss Woolley asked me to remove my hat, and I reminded her that I will wear it as I please.
Tag: Satire and Parody
A One-Sided Conversation at a Grill That You Didn’t Start and Can’t Get Out Of
I’m going to take a beer. Man. Beeeeautiful. Nothing like a nice day– Flip that. That’s done. It’s burnt.
Excerpts from the New Philosophy 101 Textbook, Sponsored by Toyota
Hereclitus’ principle of unity in opposites can best be illustrated by the Toyota Sienna.
If You Want to Date My Daughter You’re Going to Have to Help Me Get My Wife to Let Me Back into the House First
I don’t know if they teach conflict resolution in that school of yours these days, but I sure could use some relationship advice.
Visions I Had After Succumbing to the Madness That Befalls All Men Who Dare Drink the Milk of the Eldest Keebler Elf
If you are offered a chance to suckle at the teat of the eldest Keebler elf, I pray you heed my warning.
Mistakes Were Made: One Intern’s Heartfelt Apology, Written Entirely in the Passive Voice
The clients’ voicemails were mistakenly deleted, as the functions of the different button thingies had been forgotten.
Welcome “Vogue” to This Mansion That I Own!
I love how the natural light comes through the house. It gives whoever wants to break in a little sneak peek of what they’re missing you know?
Lesser Known But No Less Eponymous Ways Charles Ponzi Invented to Defraud People
A Ponzian Slip: This is when you misspeak because you are thinking more about swindling the person than the substance of the conversation.
Jason Bourne Wakes Up in Disney World and Briefs His Family
Why do I have a safety deposit box at Epcot full of cash, character location maps, and over one hundred trading pins?
I’m a Legendary Matador Whose Passion Is Shopping at Costco
I clench my butt cheeks tightly and strut past an elderly couple, pulling on the front of a cart, sweeping it alongside my body.
A Day in the Life of a Sales Team’s Gong
I knew the moment Brad's Gucci loafer crossed the threshold of the antique store, that my time had run out.
I Am the Sticky Brown Kitchen Cabinets and All the Other Bad Choices Landlords Make with Their Rental Properties
Not only are my kitchen cabinets sticky and brown, but they contain condos for giant cockroaches who never pay HOA dues.