Indoor Adventures for Your Patagonia Pullover Fleece
Turn off all the lights except for a flickery one, and point at it and say, “Is that the North Star?” Then sleep on the kitchen floor.
Tag: Satire and Parody
An Oil Lobbyist Debunks “Clean Air Is Good” and Other Lies You’ve Been Told
If there’s not enough pollution in the air to do serious damage to your lungs, doctors will suddenly find themselves out of work.
I Am the Tropical Destination on Your Desktop Background: Please Never Visit, You’re Too Boring to Come Here
You’re a little too dull for my tropical lifestyle. Sorry, I’ve had a pitcher of strawberry daiquiris, but I’ll say it again: you are BORING!
I Didn’t Ruin Dad’s Funeral Because I Wore My Clown Suit, I Ruined Dad’s Funeral Because No One Appreciates My Art
This is my life! I’m not a clown some of the time, Brad, I’m a clown all of the time. So what if the funeral director kicked me out?
The Last All-Bro Society: Jane Goodall’s Revolutionary New Study
After watching for a month, surviving on nothing but beef jerky and "good vibez," I have begun to understand their culture and how they operate.
Job Interview Questions for Nepotists
How did you hear about us? From cousin Annie at Thanksgiving or cousin Tom at Christmas?
If Rick Allen Can Drum for Def Leppard with One Arm, Then Surely I Can Install This Backsplash
A poorly installed backsplash could actually DECREASE the value of my home, but did Rick Allen hire some “licensed professional” to do his drumming?
It Pains Me to Give a 1-Star Review to the Re-Opened Colonial Williamsburg, but the Actors’ N95 Masks Were Obviously Historically Inaccurate
How am I supposed to believe a real colonial woman is teaching me to churn butter, when her flawless colonial outfit is tainted by latex gloves?
Yoga for [Insert Unrealistic End Goal of Breathing and Posing]
Assume a plank pose on the mat that you ordered from Amazon, mentally petitioning Jeff Bezos to treat his employees properly.
Note to the Entitled Granola Mom Who Cut in Front of Me at the Farmers Market
I had a feeling this might happen when I laid eyes on you ruthlessly shucking corn over the big bin, your nose ring glinting sharply in the sun.
Oh God Oh God Hide Me from the Horrible Noise, by Your Pet Dog
Did you people hear that? The boom! The fucking boom! Come on, I know you two-legged freaks can't hear shit, but even you must— HOLY SHIT!
Routine of a Quarantined Nice Guy
He might be stuck inside but this fella is still capable of making dozens of women uncomfortable, from the comfort of his own home!