Facebook was started so I could have a way to stroke my wires to pics of humanoid-looking girls way out of my league—but don't tell Congress that!
Hi, acquaintance from college! Last time I heard from you was in a gun control debate on my Facebook page!
I’ll try to bring a present. But really, isn’t the inevitable boost in social clout you and I will get from this post worth more than any gift?
For the last time, put the shears down and get a hobby already. Calligraphy. Magic. Something that doesn't involve innocent living things.
“Do you think this mole is changing colour?” So you didn’t come to the last meeting. The thing is that I’m really starting to worry about my health.
You’ve got guts settin' foot on my turf. But if youse keep coming around, you’ll be the one with the instruction manual on how to piece you together.
Make-Believe Star of Reality Show: Seeking creative self-starter who is delusional and lonely enough to pretend they are a contestant on reality TV.
Oreos: So your kids are begging for America's favorite cookie? Lucky for you it couldn't be easier. First, begin by grabbing your titanium dioxide.
I ain't no pushover. Please don’t push me over---I’ve become extremely top-heavy. More so after that last thing I said about not bein’ no pushover.
Dear Ma, It's bad out there. The Trader Joe's frozen aisle was completely decimated: no cauliflower crust pizza in sight.
Disinfect your broom, too. We recommend a homemade flying potion made of opium poppies, spotted red mushrooms, and toad skins.
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...